Stupid Nail Polish Names

No More Waity, Katie

2011-04-29T23:18:00.003-04:00

Charming. Prince Charming. Finally a nail polish marketed to the enormous audience who have already knit their own royal wedding, hooked up their Kate and William commemorative refrigerator, and are just twitching to spend their extra crumpet money. Of course, the polish will not be sold in the U.K., and it won't be shipped out until May, post-wedding frenzy, so…good luck with that.

Now, I like a good bit of rhyming doggerel as much as the next McGonagall fan, but "No More Waity, Katie"? Really? First of all, I'm pretty sure she goes by "Kate." And, call me crazy, but I can't seem to find "waity" anywhere in my copy of the O.E.D. You will note, however, that the actual word "wait" rhymes with her actual name, "Kate." So apparently someone just decided to add extra syllables and take up more space on the bottle to...make both parts worse? Yes, I know that "Waity Katie" is one of Kate Middleton's tabloid nicknames. So I could potentially (albeit with serious questions about how wise it is to emulate such fine literary sources as the Sun) let "No More Waity Katie" slide. That said, grammatically-challenged nail polish namer, consider the role of a comma. "Waity Katie," qua nickname, makes a certain amount of tenuous grammatical sense, in that the -y is a slapdash adjective-maker, thus she is a Katie with a proclivity towards waiting. "No More Waity, Katie," however, means that you are addressing the future Queen of England in baby talk. I hope you have an immunity to Corgi bites.

Substantively, of course, it is always great to have more cultural reinforcement that a woman's role is to exert feminine wiles and wait passively for a man to choose her. Thanks, Jerky Turkey.

Bitches Brew

2010-11-07T15:39:00.002-05:00

SCENE I. A cavern. In the middle, a boiling nail polish bottle.

Thunder. Enter the three Bitches.

First Bitch
Thrice I've backstabbed my best friend.
Second Bitch
Thrice and once today I've whined.
Third Bitch
I am SO bored--'Tis time, 'tis time.
First Bitch
Round about the bottle go;
Add like, whatever, I don't know.
Eye of newt; some blood of ducks;
That should be good for sixteen bucks.
Looks kind of dirty, but don't panic;
Charge extra--call the brand organic.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Second Bitch
The bottle's full of our creation,
No more room for punctuation;
Forget the tired, trite, possessive,
"Bitches Brew"'s much more expressive.
We brew a lot besides just potions:
Moisturizers, perfumes, lotions.
You know it takes more than a wand
To get Three's tacky cauldron-blonde.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Third Bitch
So anyway, that lame Macbeth,
Let's bring him to an early death.
He's so not hunky, and that wife!
Your hands are clean--please get a life!
After we've got him in our thrall
We'll head out to the nearest mall.
My jeans have been untimely ripp'd,
And for Bitch One, I've got a reason:
Your black cat is SO last season.
Bitch Two, you'll never catch a thane
Til Birnam wood reach Dunsinane.

Cool As

2010-08-10T08:50:00.007-04:00

Do you American folks ever wonder if it is just our overheated advertising industry that is responsible for nail polish monstrosities? Finally, I have evidence of a foreign crime worth extraditing (graciously submitted by fabulous Aussie reader Jade).

(photo by Jade)

Cool As? Cool As What? I don't know if I can handle the suspense! A refreshing mountain spring? The von Trapp child Maria forgot about and left in the Alps? That gum I keep seeing commercials for where everything suddenly becomes an ice cavern and for some reason you can then talk to women with ease? Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a thermometer!*

What we really need here is some scientific rigor. (Or with this polish, rigour?)

Dear John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation: I am willing to devote my career to placing this nail polish at its appropriate point on the Coolness Scale. Send grant money and research assistants, stat.

*Not actually a doctor.

Princesses Rule!

2010-08-02T08:43:00.003-04:00

I'm pretty sure that, by definition, they don't.

Give Me Moor!

2010-07-31T22:43:00.003-04:00

Wow, really? Really? How did nobody's offensiveness radar go off when you named a nail polish after a race of people, colored it to approximate their skin tone, and then asked to possess them? Follow-up question: if you have a white nail polish, do you need to keep this one next to it at all times so that you don't wake up one day to find your white polish bottle lying mysteriously broken underneath a tiny little pillow? In this case, I think OPI named neither wisely nor too well.

Granted, it is conceivably possible that OPI was going with another definition of "moor" (although not likely, seeing as this comes from the "Espana" collection). If we are talking about land forms, though, a moor is about as unpleasant and useless as you can get. Does whoever named this really want a desolate, infertile, and somewhat soggy piece of English countryside? Nor does swapping from "Moor" to "moor" really improve the romantic connotations in either healthiness or happy endingness.

Let's just agree to cut our losses and stick with the verb, then, shall we? I'll moor you to whatever you want. Just promise to stay there.

Deer Valley Spice

2010-07-05T23:02:00.004-04:00

Here is a list of things that should be named "Deer Valley Spice":

1) A scented candle used in a hunting lodge
2) The mildly scandalous gossip column on the back page of a Massachusetts preparatory school newspaper
3) The cologne dabbed behind the ear of an ever-so-smooth 46-year-old gentleman as he prepares to head out to the local bar with all the temptingly tipsy co-eds
4) An exotic blend of seven different kinds of pepper that you buy at Williams Sonoma because it's only $8.95 and you just know it will give your arugula salad that little extra something, but no matter how hard you strain your taste buds, it just tastes like regular pepper, and then you realize that you don't even like arugula
5) The racy series of novels that results when the Sweet Valley twins grow up to find that the Unicorn Club has developed into a prostitution ring...but can Elizabeth's journalistic skills save the day?

(suggested by Gillian)

This nail polish, however, is none of these things. Nor is it remotely near the color of a deer, a valley, or any spice found in nature. In fact, the only image that comes into my head when I try to associate this shade with deer-filled valleys is of a woman with avaricious pink claws stroking the pelt of Bambi's mother, trying to decide whether she will have it made into a coat or a stole. I guess this is, after all, somewhat fitting. When it comes to both Bambi and names like this, the real enemy is Man.

Lemonade Stand By Your Man

2010-06-11T20:20:00.005-04:00

Honey, let me give you a little advice. If you are having issues with your man, you might want to consider whether they spring from the fact that you appear to be the owner and operator of a lemonade stand, a time-honored profession practiced primarily by eight-year-olds. Statistically speaking, this means that your man is probably either a pre-teen or a pedophile. Either way, we're not really talking about a class of men noted for their deep emotional constancy, am I right? While I don't want to impugn your true and enduring love, I'm just saying that the next time your man reaches into his wallet to leave a quarter on your nightstand, you might want to take a peek at his driver's license and see if his name is Humbert Humbert.

Furthermore, while "Before and After" may be my favorite category on Wheel of Fortune, this does not make it an appropriate nail polish naming mechanism. (To any OPI namers who insist that before-and-after with Every Word Capitalized is a viable human method of communication, let me riposte by saying that Your Momma Is So Fat That The Probability She Occupies A Randomly-Selected Point Within A Room Is One Day I Am Going To Learn How To Send My Fist Through The Internet And Punch You In The Face.)

Actually, I greatly prefer this name when taken literally, i.e., Lemonade Stand in Close Geographical Proximity to Your Man. This take on it raises all sorts of interesting questions. I mean, there are not a lot of lemonade stands, so it's pretty unlikely that your man just happens to be near one. Did you seduce your man based solely on his convenient distance from the nearest lemonade-serving establishment? The fact that you named your nail polish after the lemonade stand rather than your fellow leads me to believe this may be your general order of priorities. It's OK to be honest, I love lemonade too. Also, what if your man doesn't remain stationary all day? If your lemonade stand stays put while he moves around, your nail polish would be unacceptably out of vogue. I think the only solution is a lemonade version of that Japanese vending-machine skirt. Manufacturers, call me. We can split the profits fifty-fifty.

Iris I Was Thinner

2010-06-04T14:07:00.003-04:00

Well, this is charming on every level. By "every level" I mean the 1.4 levels of meaning I am willing to grudgingly grant OPI because they are probably feeling extremely proud of their clever non-pun and I don't want to make them cry, and by "charming" I mean "incredibly off-putting and really messed up."

Hey, guess what, OPI? Nails are the one part of everyone's body that they pretty much feel OK about. Nobody's nails are too fat!

The nail polish industry has a special place in the world of make-up because nail polish is the only product that cannot be used to make you look like the more attractive person you're not. Nobody (I hope) is using nail polish to even out their blotchy skin tone, to make their tiny eyes look bigger, to make their cheekbones more prominent. Nail polish is something a woman (or man) does to please her-(or him)-self--what color do I want my nails to be, just because I like that color?

So, you know, thanks for ignoring that whole ability you had to make nail polish the only "beauty" industry segment free from the need to make women feel bad about themselves in order to sell more products. You didn't have to make this about disguising flaws; it could have been about celebrating choices.

Instead, you're a nail polish bottle calling itself fat.

Red Thong In Divorce Court

2010-05-15T21:51:00.003-04:00

Here's a real winner from the Poor Life Choices collection by Naughty Nailz.

(photo by Lacquer Laine)

I hear they wanted to call it "Lost Any Chance at Alimony and Served Thirty Days for Contempt of Court," but it wouldn't fit on the bottle.

Miso Happy With This Color

2010-05-13T13:52:00.003-04:00

It's nail polish names like these that really make me nostalgic for the good ol' days. You know, the ones where women were in the kitchen, African-Americans were at the back of the bus, and Asians were in internment camps.

(suggested by Avii)

This name is pretty subtle, so let me break it down for you. You see, "miso" sounds like "me so," which is what all Asian people say instead of the grammatically correct "I'm so." Man, sometimes people who grow up speaking a different language don't have a perfect grasp of English. Ha ha, I sure love to laugh at them for trying!

Google backs up my intuition that the primary association with "me so" anything is the immortal "Me so horny" scene from "Full Metal Jacket." Get it? One of Japan's primary cultural exports, which OPI is taking care to celebrate in its Japan collection, is prostitution! Of course, the character in "Full Metal Jacket" was Vietnamese, not Japanese, but that's cool. They all look the same to me, too.

Also, I love how in classic OPI style, randomly inserting the name of a soup (a soup that is not even remotely the same color as this nail polish, I feel obliged to pedantically point out) makes this a brilliant pun. Wow, that's vichyssoise hilarious, you New England clam chowder morons.

Dick Weed; Jizz

2010-05-04T01:02:00.005-04:00

Whoa, now, let's just simmer down a moment, shall we? There's no need to get all hostile.

(suggested by Blanche and Trina)

I've seen a lot of nail polish that seems to be going through personal problems, including the insecure, the misogynistic, and the...vampiric, but none that is this out-of-the-blue insulting.

Also, "Dick Weed," really? When is the last time anybody used that one? You might as well bust out the big guns and start calling people "squares" and "dweebs." According to the only semi-scholarly article I can find, "dickweed" pretty much peaked as an insult in 1986, thanks to the immortal line "You killed Ted, you Medieval dickweed!" So let me take a page from the book of Bill S. Preston, Esq. and proclaim this name most heinous.

Incidentally, BleachBlack:

Before you named this little number "Jizz"...

(suggested by Hannah)

...you probably should have considered how wearers are going to have to respond when someone asks them "What's on your nails?"

Up's

2010-04-22T22:13:00.005-04:00

Great, just what we all needed: dadaist nail polish. What is "up's" with this?

Actually, I'm kind of impressed. Who would have thought so much confusion could be packed into just three letters and one punctuation mark? In terms of nonsense per character this little number is compressed like [normals] Kim Kardashian's posterior in this dress [nerds] a ZIP file stored on the world's tiniest USB drive and thrown into Garbage Compactor 3263827 on the Death Star.

What exactly happened to cause this name? Was the author trying to go to the United Parcel Service's website to see when they would deliver her new keyboard without an erratically triggering caps lock and apostrophe key? Was she hoping to launch her career as a film critic by naming a nail polish after the first word of her thesis, titled "Up's Balloons: Intelligent Falling: a Metatextual Metaphorical Metaphysical Metallurgical Critique of Gravity"?

Whatever is going on here, this name is not exactly at the top's of my list. Not exactly one of Essie's high'slights.

Buy Me a Cameo

2010-04-12T15:11:00.005-04:00

You know those days when you want to be obnoxiously demanding, but you ALSO really want your fashion to be at least ninety years out of date? Apparently Essie's got it covered! What's that you say? You also want to reinforce sexist stereotypes, like that the main goal in women's lives is to extract jewelry from men? No problem; this little number has it all.

In fact, I hear that so many women are clamoring for antique cliches on their nails that Essie is launching a whole line. This spring, check your local drugstore for sure-fire hits like Pull Over Your Ford Model T Right Now and Ask For Directions, Don't You Dare Take My Backstreet Boys Record Off the Victrola, No You Can't Go Out Fox Hunting With the Boys On Our Anniversary Weekend, and What Happens In Paris Only Stays In Paris If It Does Not Include the French Disease, Ben, Now Go Sleep On the Couch.

12 Inch Gang Bang

2010-02-15T15:11:00.003-05:00

(Photo by Lacquer Laine)

Interestingly, Lifetime is using this color as an inspiration for their first-ever movie based on a nail polish name. Keep an eye on your TV Guide so you don't miss the debut of "Rape in Lilliput: What Happens When 12-Inch Pianists Go Bad."

Skin Tight Denim; Polyester Pink

2010-02-02T01:15:00.002-05:00

I'm pretty sure there is a good reason the creator of this little number was kicked off of Project Runway last week:

(screenshot courtesy of Project Rungay)

For those not up on their fashion, I think the most glaring flaw was its over-resemblance to another designer's oeuvre, the designer in question being a truckstop hooker from Oklahoma who hit her head falling off a mechanical bull during July of 1996 and can now never move past that moment in her life or in her clothing choices.

So, the obvious question here is: why did anyone think it would be a good idea to name a nail polish after the two traits of this dress that combine to make it totally and irredeemably hideous?

Let's do a little stream-of-conscious word association for "skin tight denim." I'll start. Skanky, uncomfortable, rent-a-strippers dressed as participants of the California Gold Rush, desperate, doesn't make your butt look as good as you think it does, yeast infection, how fun would it be if you could order 49ers for your bachelorette party and tip them with gold nuggets, good luck fitting your keys and chapstick into your pocket, not going to be able to sew yourself into that in six months so enjoy it while you can, ooh if we expanded to include Yukon Gold Rush strippers we could call the company Robert W. At-Your-Service.

Aside from my genius new business plan, that did not seem to generate many positive connotations. It's like N.Y.C. came up with a really pretty shade of blue and then decided it would be really hip to create "ironic" contrast by naming it after the tackiest fabric possible.

Wait, what's that? You're telling me they decided to name this delicate color...

...Polyester Pink?

Fine. Just fine. I'm going to sleep this off. Somebody wake me up in 2010 or whenever we've decided it is OK to wear clothes that don't desecrate the human body again, whichever comes first.

Friar, Friar, Pants on Fire!

2010-01-23T20:49:00.000-05:00

Blasphemy! Accusing a man of God of deception? I had no idea that OPI was so iconoclastic. Maybe this is the color that Richard Dawkins wears on dates?

I admit that I kind of like the idea of an extremely bitter atheist in a room somewhere in OPI headquarters taking her revenge, one nail polish name at a time. And I look forward to the rest of OPI's anti-Christianity-themed line, which I hear will include Fertility Goddess Fuschia, Ubermensch Ultramarine, and Go Screw Yourself Billy Graham You Deranged Nutjob Blue.

However, I have to question the accuracy of this particular polish name. Do friars even wear pants? I mean, I'm sure they do now, but the traditional image is a cassock or something, isn't it? I admit that "Friar, Friar, Vestments on Fire!" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. However, it seems pretty clear that OPI already gets their nail polish names by ripping off playground rhymes and then substituting words with whatever nouns their darts happened to hit in a rhyming dictionary, so eloquence is pretty much out the window at this point. We might as well strive for whatever semblance of coherence we can still scrape together, OK guys?

I'm also not sure why this name is part of OPI's "English Collection" ("shades designed to capture the vibrancy of London, while simultaneously offering the softness of a heathered English countryside!"). What about friars (or flaming pants) is uniquely English? Let's just take a quick rundown of where the major mendicant orders were founded: Dominicans? France. Carmelites? Israel. Franciscans, Servites, and Augustinians? Probably all Italy. Even the word "friar" itself comes from the French "frère" (meaning brother). Basically, OPI has picked one of the few major medieval powers that did NOT originate any large sect of friars.

Here's what I'm guessing: OPI got all it knows about friars from the same place I did--Robin Hood. This would explain the alleged Englishness of the name. However, let me point out that 1) though Tuck wasn't the meekest of friars, I don't think he ever actually lied to anyone, making this name STILL nonsensical, 2) this totally clashes with Sherwood green, 3) this shade would be much better suited to Will Scarlet, and 4) I don't remember any part of the Robin Hood stories where Friar Tuck goes through Maid Marian's makeup bag.

Whatever way I slice it with my longsword, this name does NOT make me merry.

Limbo Bimbo

2009-12-26T23:16:00.001-05:00

What, dare I ask, IS a Limbo Bimbo? Francesca if she only went to first base with Paolo? The woman who takes the cheers of "How LOW can you GO?" at her local limbo competition a little too metaphorically?

If the latter, I think the creators of this shade have done an excellent job of capturing the spirit of tropical harlotry. Actually, this exact shade of pink is what I imagine on the toenails of the runner-up of MILF Island as she scrabbles desperately for a foothold during the Bikini Limbo-Off over the Pit of Snakes and Baby Oil.

I think the most pressing question, though, is what kind of woman wants to deliberately go out and associate herself with outdated misogynistic slang. I appreciate the rhyme, but in this context, it just feels like a set-up for a vaguely seedy limerick:

A lady out painting her nails
Hopes to lure in a new set of males:
"If my fresh coat of Bimbo
Doesn't catch trucker Jimbo
I'll look bad on Springer!" she wails.

Below the Belt

2009-11-10T13:48:00.000-05:00

There are many things below my belt. However, I would be concerned if any of them were this color:

(spotting courtesy of Drisana)

Even if we are to take this name metaphorically rather than literally, I am still dubious. Below the belt: underhanded, dirty, not allowed. I can see traffic-light red, or corrupted-soul black, but all's-clear angelic white? I don't think so.

Then again, there are people out there who make an average of $1.79 an hour to determine the sex of baby chickens by squeezing out their feces to open their anal vents and look inside for tell-tale male bumps, while somebody got paid more than ten times that to come up with this name. Talk about below the belt.

I'm Not Really A Waitress

2009-10-27T21:56:00.000-04:00

That's right, honey, you're a nail polish.

Oh, you mean the person wearing you? What is she? If this is her signature color, and her days are taken up by waitressing, I think I have a guess in mind. It starts with "p" and ends with (cover your eyes, young readers) "rostitute" or (OK, open your eyes now) "erson who doesn't have to stand on her feet all day to make a good living."

I assume this name is a nod to the stereotype of the would-be starlet who flies out to the Big City and, just until she gets her break, takes a job slinging burgers. (Do people in Los Angeles still eat burgers? She is probably slinging macrobiotic fiddlehead ferns. [Incidentally, Slingin' Fiddleheads is my new band name.]) Of course, when we check in on her in fifteen years, she's still there, calling the customers "sweetheart" and urging them to try a slice of the cherry pie (acai berry flan).

So, I guess my question here is: is that someone we really want to channel? I mean, maybe I'm just not fabulous enough, but rarely do I wake up in the morning and think, "Today I want to decrease my glamour quotient, you know, but I also want something that says 'I'm just not good enough for my dreams.' I wonder if any one product can fulfill both these needs. It can? And it also says 'I've abandoned my family and home for a shot at fame, but I'm stuck in a menial job while my rapidly fading looks make my chances of success ever more depressingly negligible'? Thanks, OPI!"

What's Dune?

2009-10-20T08:21:00.000-04:00

What's Dune? What's DUNE?

By Liet-Kynes, OPI! You are going to find out in a hurry when a sandworm emerges to eat your melange trawler and you don't even have your riding hooks. Anyway, I better stop typing before the Butlerian Jihad finds me, but Shai-Hulud have mercy on your soul.

Don't Socra-Tease Me!

2009-10-15T21:23:00.000-04:00

OPInterlocutor: Why have you left the Lyceum, Socrates? And what are you doing standing in front of the Sephora?

Socrates: Alcibiades got jealous when I was always hanging outside the gymnasium. But he doesn't seem to have a problem as long as I settle for teenage girls. What brings you here?

OPI: I am here to deliver a new nail polish shade.

Socrates: What is it called?

OPI: You will think me mad when I tell you.

Socrates: Is it a hideous color?

OPI: No...well, actually, yes. But that is not the reason. I have named it after you; it is called "Don't Socra-Tease Me!"

Socrates: ...Have you been sniffing hemlock?

OPI: Please, do you expect me to take advice on beauty products from someone whose idea of a well-put-together outfit includes gladiator sandals and a toga? Paris Hilton isn't hosting the Symposium tonight.

Socrates: When it comes to nail polish names, I know only that I know nothing. Will you enlighten me and tell me what makes a good nail polish name?

OPI: The best nail polish name, Socrates, is that which is beloved by the consumers.

Socrates: But is a nail polish name good because it is beloved by the consumers, OPI? Or is it beloved by the consumers because it is good?

OPI: You don't seem to understand how this industry works, Socrates. We have a few bowls of wine, toss an encyclopedia in the air, and throw a javelin at it. Whatever word it hits, we pay a slave boy to think of a word that sounds kind of like it and slap the name on the bottle. Give a few free samples to the disciples of Aphrodite, and bam! Suddenly they're lining up at the agora to tell you how witty your nail polish name is.

Socrates: Look, if you wanted to tell me you're a sophist, you could have just said so.

OPI: Anyway, I've got to run. I have a meeting scheduled with Sappho to work some product integration into her latest poem.

Socrates: I was wrong. I do know something. You guys suck.

Sexagon

2009-09-16T20:24:00.000-04:00

Guys, I have made it big. My dream as a blogger has finally come true: today, I received my first kick-back! Our faithful midwestern nail polish correspondent Suzanna has sent me some nail polish that is the perfect combination of beautiful in color and hideous in name. (A rose by any other name may smell as sweet, but I think we all know that tamely-named nail polish just doesn't have the same sparkle.) Thanks, Suzanna! However, I would like to assure you all that my devotion to strict journalistic integrity remains intact. I remain firmly committed to revealing and reviling the stupid names of the nail polish world (however, have I mentioned what a lovely name Suzanna is?)

Anyway, what is going on with Sexagon? I wish I could believe that this was just an unfortunate result of someone mixing up her Greek and Latin prefixes, but my time in nail polish academia has taught me cynicism. In fact, the reference is much more literary. I am pretty sure that this is actually the title of Edwin Abbott-Abbott's lesser-known and extremely pornographic sequel to Flatland.

An excerpt:

Their vertexes locked across the room. The sexagon slid boldly over the plane until he stood before the lithe young triangle. "Hey, baby," he said. "If I told you that you had a beautiful perimeter, would you hold it against me?"

The triangle blushed and looked shyly at her smallest angle.

"Come on, doll," the brazen sexagon continued, "Don't be obtuse. It doesn't suit acute one like you. You don't want to be a square, do you? I'm not going to stand here and complement you all night. Let me buy you a gin and conic."

"No, thanks," the triangle said. "What's your angle?"

"My angle? You could fill the null set with all the other guys in here who would give you the coordinates of the origin. Look, you know you're the right triangle for me. Let's go back to my place and we can give it an ol' whirl around the XXX-axis. Tangentially, it's cool if you're bisectoral, you can bring a friend."

I'd go on, but I have underage readers. Anyway, don't worry, moralists! I don't want to spoil the plot, but it all wraps up satisfactorily when the deviant sexagon does some hard time in high-security prism. The shy triangle realizes the error of hanging out in shady parts of the coordinate grid, joins the convex and becomes a nonagon.

Forgive, Forget, For Me I Will

2009-09-03T19:06:00.000-04:00

Look, I know that the economy is rough right now. It can be hard for companies selling non-essentials like nail polish to make ends meet. But can I make a suggestion? If you must downsize your entire nail polish naming and marketing staff and replace it with one work of literature, make it a dictionary. DO NOT, under any circumstances, use the poetry journal of an eighth-grader whose nom de plume is Mistress Raventwilight Sorrowgoth.

(photo courtesy of Vampy Varnish)

"Forgive, Forget, For Me I Will"? What IS that? I want to call it a sentence fragment, but I think that is too generous. Sentence fragments make sense with additional words placed before or after them, but all that I can think might come after this is "The dark miasma of my tortured soul cries out. / Brandon didn't ask me to the Homecoming dance. / Life is an endless shadow."

Misa, it is no coincidence that when I tried to find a picture of this nail polish, the first page of Google search turns up this:

Forgive this naming travesty? I don't think so. Forget it? I'm trying as hard as I can. Do you think sacrificing a hamster to our Dark Wiccan Vampire Lords would hasten the sweet caress of blessed oblivion?

Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ

2009-07-19T01:26:00.000-04:00

You know a nail polish name is destined for greatness when the least offensive interpretation of it combines all the charm of a national tragedy like Pearl Harbor with the crispy dead cow flesh "eww" factor of Meet Balls. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ:

(spotting courtesy of Krissy)

The more offensive interpretation, you ask? Well, let's just say that the "cow" part of the story is urban legend. But a lot of people died in that fire...

I mean, I'm not saying that OPI is trying to glamorize cannibalism. It's just that if you peeked into the lunchbox of the staffer who came up with this, I wouldn't be surprised if it contained the other white meat, you know what I'm saying? Or if during her last weight-loss craze, she learned how zombies kept their figures so lean (Atkins himself is Atkins-friendly, dieters!). And I bet she never had any problem figuring out what to serve her in-laws...and the question became academic after one night. And maybe she...uh...put people...in her mouth...and digested them...wink wink nudge nudge.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is no matter how much this looks like a black cherry soda, please don't drink it.*

*Papua New Guinean readers, please disregard.

Basket Case

2009-07-04T17:52:00.000-04:00

In honor of Independence Day, I have done my part to inculcate in today's youth one of our nation's most traditional moral values: condescension for poor nail polish naming. (Little known fact: John Hancock only signed his name so big because he didn't want to hold the quill tighter and risk smearing his manicure.) It is my privilege to introduce a guest entry written by Reuben, one of the proud vanguard of the next generation of nail polish mockery. Reuben is eight years old and enjoys marshmallow taffy, Rube Goldberg machines, and pyromania. Thanks for submitting this entry, Reuben!

Reuben's take on Orly's "Basket Case":

What a stupid name. You use it and a basket breaks. Oh, my God. A basket IS a case. Why do you need a case for a basket? And a nail polish bottle is also a case. It's only a little better than "Brunette on the Internet." Why the heck would a case be pink? It would not be a color that is bright and cheerful. It should be black. Or doorknob-yellow. Even though doorknobs aren't usually yellow.

Christian Court

2009-06-25T11:13:00.001-04:00

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise...fear, surprise and cloaking our religious revolution in the guise of nail polish!

I mean, really, guys? Christian Court? (Let's just ignore the fact that this has no earthly [or heavenly] connection to any kind of color.) Do we...do we miss those? Personally I was getting kind of attached to that whole "separation of church and state" thing we've been working for a while. Did you get sick of that? I mean, I guess it would be pretty cool to turn my loud neighbor in for being a heretic. But then again, someone would probably accuse me of witchcraft, I would have to go through trial by drowning, and it would totally ruin my dress. So that kind of breaks even.

Let's just call the whole thing off, all right? You keep your nail polish, I keep my First Amendment, and if I see you again, we're all going to have a nice chat with the Comfy Chair, mmkay?

Catherine the Grape

2009-06-15T10:55:00.000-04:00

Huh.

I didn't realize that Violet Beauregarde came with her own monarch.

Vould U Like a Lick-tenstein?

2009-06-10T21:01:00.000-04:00

Vy, hello there. Velcome to my castle. Vould u like a Lick-tenstein?

...no, I'm sorry. It's just not working for me. I'm trying to get into character, but what exactly is my character? I'm a Bela Lugosi-style vampire, I presume from the accent and the oral fixation. But the taxes were too high in Transylvania, so I moved to Lichtenstein? I mean, I'm not complaining or anything. Gorgeous stamps, the skiing in Malbun is lovely, I never have any trouble laundering money. But does it really have the right...atmosphere? It's very quaint, but as far as sinister gothicness goes, it could use some work. If I'm walking, I can make it from one end of the country to the other in a day, let alone if I'm flying on my raven wings of night. Where are my victims supposed to flee to? And speaking of victims, why am I asking permission? I'm not even asking if I can bite them, I'm asking permission to...lick? Am I a kinder, gentler, vampire? Am I a vegan? Am I a new-age vampire, sensitive and attuned to womens' needs, yet realizing that this makes me even more manly because I am not constrained by typical gender stereotypes? Or did I just have a run-in with the law and now I'm trying not to violate my vamp-parole? Also, what's with the "U"? Am I text-messaging my prospective lickee? If so, the question seems a little premature, as I would assume that if someone is in appropriate text-messaging range, she is not in the field of my questing tongue. And while I'm at it, what exactly is the pun supposed be here? Why am I offering her the country? I know you can rent it for a day, I guess I am demonstrating my immense wealth and largess? Yes?

OK, I think I have my character now, I'm ready.

Vill u plz sign this consent vaiver stating that I may gently graze ur neck with my fang while we sit in one of only two doubly-landlocked countries which by the way I own a significant part of because I am so rich...

Mutt's New

2009-06-02T23:51:00.000-04:00

Dear Mrs. Atkinson,

Here is my essay on "A Day in the Life of Your Pet" like you assigned. I am really sorry it is late but when I was looking for Tinkerbell to do my research I found her floating upside down in the hot tub and my mom said she was just sun tanning but then I heard her talking to the vet and he said she had "lost the will to live" or something.

P.S. Is it OK if I don't go to Six Flags for Physics Day this Friday? Rollercoasters and physics both kind of make me nauseous and I think if I combine them I might end up ruining my new outfit in front of everybody.

A Day in the Life of TINKERBELL, the BEST Chihuahua EVER!

YAWN. Just another morning waking up in my big pink bed! I love it because it is shaped like a castle and it makes me feel like a real princess. Now it's time to take a walk! My owner is too busy to go walk and also she is scared of maybe breaking a heel but that's OK because I get to see Manuelo, my extra-special friend, who was hired just to take care of me! Hi Manuelo! You smell extra good today. Did you know smell is my strongest sense and I can smell way better than a human? For instance, I can tell you are in a sad mood because you smell like cheap whiskey! Did my owner threaten to report you to ICE again because she thought you stole my diamond tiara? I really miss it, diamonds are a girl's best friend!

Time to go see what my owner is doing! Wow, she looks really happy to see me. She's running right over! What's that she has in her hand?

(spotting credit to Gustav Berg)

It looks like the little bottle I saw Manuelo taking from owner's daddy's Happy Cabinet but it doesn't smell the same. It smells really strong though, I wonder what's inside? No, it's too strong, don't put it so close to me!

What are you doing? You're putting it on me? Stop telling me how beautiful I'm going to look, these are fierce talons! Let me go, Manuelo, don't let her do this to me!

You keep saying that my nails are going to look so pretty, but are you are aware that dogs are basically friggin' colorblind? It is THEORETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to appreciate this.

Why are you doing this to me? I'm sorry I peed on your couch! I'm sorry! Just let me go.

Life is agony.

Snow White

2009-05-24T19:26:00.000-04:00

Well, that's nice.

It's good to see that even in this economy, the mastermind behind Raven Red still has a job.

On the downside, he may have let his medical insurance slip, because his delusion seems to have escalated. Whereas before I thought he might just have made a simple factual error about ravens, here he is not even pretending to get it right. Snow is white, he is saying to us, yes, I know that. However, I can turn it red through sheer force of will.

Or is he Jedi mind-tricking us? This nail polish is white. Yeah, like that's going to work. This nail polish is white. Some of us have more will-power than a generic cyberthug checking for illicit robots. This nail polish is white.

Anyway, I forgot what I was talking about. But nice nail polish. Lovely shade of white.

Asphalt

2009-05-21T20:58:00.000-04:00

I've heard of streets paved with gold, but please tell me where the asphalt roads look like this:

(photo courtesy of Scrangie)

The Magic Sparkle Cupcake Kingdom? Did a bus full of fairy princesses get T-boned by a troll driving his Hummer (I know what you are thinking, environmentalists, but don't worry--it's powered by wishes) to the Bridge-Dwellers Tenement Union? They try frantically to swerve out of the way, but Peter Pan is hovering outside talking on his cell 'phone. In a tragic Icarian flip-flop, he is just too low for safety. He smashes against the windshield, his body desecrated by a last futile effort of the wipers before the blinded bus smashes into Timmy, the Talking Tree. Tinkerbell floats on in a solitary haze. Tears and fairy dust drift slowly to the ground and settle upon the asphalt.

Big Daddy

2009-05-12T19:42:00.000-04:00

Wow, creepy.

(Spotting and photograph courtesy of Suzanna)

Is anybody surprised that "Big Daddy" comes from the same company that brought us "Under 18"?

Not only does this name really give me the heebie-jeebies, but it also seems like a blatant color mismatch. This hideous bright orange is neither particularly manly (as befitting a Big Daddy) nor is it stereotypically little-girly (as befitting his doting daughter).

In fact, I can think of only two reasons for "Big Daddy" to be this shade:

1) You are trying to get your Big Daddy to "discipline" you for choosing such a horrible nail polish.

2) You are hoping to use your nails as hazard signals to flag down the car behind you and beg them to release you from your plaited-kneesock manacles before your body turns up in a ditch clad in a plaid skirt and pigtail ribbons.

If the former, good luck! You have earned it.

If the latter, I recommend bringing along some nail polish remover along in a hollow tooth. You're going to need it to take off your nail polish when the cops pull Big Daddy over for yelling obscene propositions at that school bus. Otherwise they might just decide anyone with such bad taste in polish deserves what she gets.

Charlie Dickens

2009-05-07T18:21:00.000-04:00

When I saw that Butter London had all kinds of fun colors without the "Big Three" nail polish carcinogens, I had great expectations. Now, I know these are hard times, and fourteen dollars is a lot to spend on a bottle of nail polish. But when I saw that they were giving away free nail polish for Earth Day, I was hooked. I've been stuck in my bleak house studying so much that I feel like Oliver Twist, and this was a chance for welcome escapism. I started browsing the list over and over, pondering which I would pick. Someone asked me if I was at least going to get a Stupid Nail Polish Names entry out of it, and I said that none of the names struck me as that bad. Luckily, our mutual friend responded, "Look, chuzzlewit, this isn't an old curiosity shop. This is a national American corporation! These names are pretentious and obnoxious."

Yes, ladies and gentleman, it's true. These names might seem full of quaint English charm. But this is a tall tale of two cities. They slap all their nail polish with insufferably British names, but do you know where this company is based? Seattle. And last time I checked, Seattlites weren't always going on about snogging chimney sweeps over crumpets. Sorry, Butter London, you're not David Copperfield; you can't wave your wand and magically change your nationality and time period. Not only are you not on a nickname basis with "Charlie Dickens," I would be very surprised if anyone who works at your company ever got past "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Anyway, at least the colors are pretty. If you've been saving your nicklebys lately, you could go for one. Just polish your monocle first.

Frugalista; Look Rich, Be Cheap

2009-05-02T18:57:00.000-04:00

I'm sorry? You want to name your EIGHTEEN DOLLAR nail polish "Frugalista"?

Who writes the names for this company--Bill Gates? If this counts as frugal for you, Bill, I've got some other great deals you might want to look into. For instance, I will let you finish my bag of jelly beans for a mere twenty dollars. And the shirt off my back can be yours for a mere C-note. Actually, I know you're a fan of this blog. And I'll tell you what. You can hire me as your personal columnist, to write about whatever you want, for the outrageous bargain of four million dollars a year. Let me know.

Honestly, I love this color, but this is just a ridiculous price for some glitter soaked in chemicals. If you feel like spending eighteen dollars today, here are some things you could get instead. You could purchase two and two thirds tuning keys for your autoharp (autoharp not included). You could send a child in India to school for a year. You could disguise yourself as a hipster and wreak havoc on unsuspecting boys in girls' pants. Or you could buy the album AND the buttons of the new supergroup involving some guys from Cheap Trick, Fountains of Wayne, the guitarist from Smashing Pumpkins/A Perfect Circle, and one of the Hansen Brothers. And you would still have enough money left over for a coathanger to puncture your eardrums!

And while we're at it, Rescue Beauty Lounge: spending eighteen bucks to put THIS on your nails will make you Look Rich and Be Cheap?

Sorry, honey. As the immortal Willy Wonka would say: strike that, reverse it.

Meet Balls

2009-04-21T15:01:00.000-04:00

I've tried about seventy different prescriptions of rose-colored glasses to look at this one. No matter how strong they are (and in this latest pair, Stalin looks like the pancake bunny), this name still grosses me out.

Meet Balls?

I mean, is the goal to look like you just dipped your fingers in squishy globules of ground up cow flesh?

Or...is it a tantalizing promise of your social life to come?

Either way, let me reiterate: eww.

Tennis Corset

2009-04-15T11:36:00.000-04:00

Not only is this an awful name for a nail polish, but it is also one of the worst ideas for a piece of clothing I have ever heard (with the possible exception of foot-binding marathon shoes). Tennis is a game in which participants are expected to run around the court quickly. A corset is a device that inhibits you from breathing and will make you pass out if you try to run or bend over. It does not seem like a (game, set, or) match made in heaven. Maybe if you are so figure-conscious that you cannot leave the house without your corset even to exercise, public sports are not for you. It's OK; they invented Wii Tennis for a reason.

Also, the elitism of tennis combined with the Victorianism of corsets makes me suspicious of the kind of people who would wear this.

"Lady Thistlethorpe! What a pleasure to see you again! You are looking delightfully frail and delicate today."

Lady Thistlethorpe, with great effort, manages to breathe deeply enough through her tennis corset to raise her racket in greeting.

"Oh, Sir Caddington, you do know how to flatter a woman. Have you had any luck engaging a new upstairs parlor maid for Stuffybritches Manor?"

The tennis ball passes seven inches from Lady Thistlethorpe's gracefully outstretched arm and sails into Sir Caddington's monocle, cracking it in half.

"Alas, no. We thought we had found one at last, but she turned out to be a dirty papist. Caught her with those grubby little fingers on a rosary."

The ball speeds at Lady Thistlethorpe. She takes one step toward it on her tennis high heels, totters, and crashes to the ground. Sir Caddington nods his head approvingly.

"Damned fine woman, I've always said. Jeeves! Smelling salts!"

Baby It's "Coal" Outside!

2009-04-02T10:09:00.000-04:00

Really? This was the nail polish you were so excited about that you busted out the exclamation point?

(photo from Nail Polish Diva)

Here's an idea: if you only have enough currency at the Punctuation Store to pick out one present for yourself, how about investing in a comma? I know, it doesn't have the flash of an exclamation point, but the upside is that you will look a lot less like an idiot, with the pleasant side-effect of being grammatically correct.

Oh, and thanks for the quotation marks around "coal." I was in danger of believing that, in a bizarre and terrifying sequel to Cat's Cradle, the carbon in our atmosphere had literally transmuted into sedimentary rock and was in danger of crushing anyone who ventured outside. ("Yes," Steampunk Santa said, as he unleashed the particle of Coal-9, "you've all been very bad.") The thing is, I know what it would be like to have coal outside. I don't, however, know what it would be like to have to worry about "coal." What exactly are the scare quotes supposed to indicate? Something kind of like coal is outside? Watch out, it's sandstone! Oh, no, here comes whale blubber, another non-renewable source of energy!

I assure you, if you persist in saying things like this, you will soon have nobody left to call "baby."

Paint My Moji-toes Red

2009-03-31T19:56:00.000-04:00

This is it, guys. Stupid Nail Polish Names is officially in the big leagues.

Allow me to introduce Suzanna, our first embedded journalist and Midwestern Nail Polish Correspondent. You may recognize her fine spotting and photography skills from Sand in My Suit.

If you would like to join the ranks of our crack investigative team, I would love any submissions. There is nothing I want more than to turn each and every one of you into that creepy person at Walgreens who spends an inordinate amount of time lurking around the nail polish displays.

This week, Suzanna let me know about this little gem, Paint My Moji-toes Red:

(photo taken from Nail Polish Diva)

Now, I like a good pun as much as anyone. More than most people who are traditionally considered "sane." But here is the thing about puns: this isn't one.

A pun requires two words that sound similar, yes. But arbitrarily switching a word with another word that sounds like it: NOT A PUN.

Since I think we can pretty much agree that the person who named this nail polish deserves to be condemned by a jury of his peers and put behind bars, let's turn to my new imaginary legal nail polish line for examples.

Here are some of our leading shades: Starry Decisis (glitter), I Was Never Red My Rights (crimson), and Blue My Chance at Parole By Assaulting a Prison Guard With a Homemade Shiv (navy).

Now, here are some that did not make the cut: Insanity De-fence (purple), Trus-tease of the Estate (cerulean), Res Jew-dicata (chartreuse).

Can we see the difference, class? Hint: the colors in the second set have NO EARTHLY CONNECTION with the homophones. If a pun is a play on words, the words in the second set are not playing. They are not even acquaintances. They are the two kids who stand at opposite corners of the playground, solemnly glaring at each other. One is on the monkeybars and one of them is the kid who goes down the slide over and over again, trying to line up his flight path to hit the kids on the monkeybars and knock them into the gravel.

Now, which category would Paint My Moji-toes Red be in?

Unless Jesus is at your party, has gotten a little tipsy, and has decided it would be super funny to stagger around turning everyone's beverages into wine, there is no reason for a mojito to be red. This seems like an unlikely scenario. But then again, how could anyone to afford enough alcohol to make this name seem like a good idea, sans the J-man showing up and pulling a little trick a la loaves and fishes?

So you get a pass this time, OPI. But don't take this as your excuse to become a Re-peat Offender (dirty brown).

Sand in My Suit

2009-03-27T18:37:00.000-04:00

Hey, shoppers! Want to head to the shore, but can't find the time? No problem! OPI has got it covered, bringing you all your least favorite beach vacation moments in the form of nail polish!

(photo by Suzanna)

If you're like me, you love sitting in the baking hot sun, slowly turning more and more red, knowing that later, you will be not only exquisitely unattractive but also in intense pain. And you can't get enough of being surrounded on all sides by sorority girls wearing about six square inches of fabric and treating the area as their own private mating ground, not to mention the fifty-year-old matrons who think they're sorority girls and apparently shop at the same place.

But this doesn't quite capture the beach experience--you could do all of this at the local pool. That's why OPI has gone one step further and provided Sand in My Suit! Because your genitalia just wasn't chafed enough.

Coming soon: A Jellyfish Stung Me in the Eye, The Cute Lifeguard Snubbed Me, and My Baby Sister Crawled Into the Ocean and I Arrived Just Too Late to Save Her!

Brunette on the Internet

2009-03-26T15:07:00.001-04:00

As a brunette on the internet myself, one would think that this nail polish is perfectly named to appeal to me. By "one would think" I mean it doesn't.

(photo taken from Blogdorf Goodman)

Now, you might interpret the name of this nail polish as indicating its potential clientele. And you would be correct.

However, I hope that none of you made the amateur mistake of assuming that our hypothetical nail polish-buyer is a brunette who wears this polish while she uses the internet. As we all know, brunettes are the most practical of the hair colors and would never coordinate their nails to an activity that begins and ends as frequently as internet-usage does. "Oh, shoot, I accidentally alt-tabbed to my Word document, I guess I have to change my nail polish again." I think not.

Here is who would wear this: someone who is a brunette only when she is on the internet. By "she" I mean "he" and by "on the internet" I mean "in his mother's basement, lurking in an AOL teen chat room under the name XoXCutieMuffin12XoX."

I imagine the logs read something like this--

Soccerfan2005: its about time is totaly the best jonas brothers album

XoXCutieMuffin12XoX: i agree, u want 2 cybar?

Soccerfan2005: um, ok, send a pic

[File transfer from XoXCutieMuffin12XoX initiated]

[File deliasbikini2.jpg received]

Soccerfan2005: omg that's u???

XoXCutieMuffin12XoX: u like what u see?

Soccerfan2005: wait, is that a photo from the delia's website

XoXCutieMuffin12XoX: no way, my name is delia

XoXCutieMuffin12XoX: and i model 4 them. if u saw it there that is why

Soccerfan2005: oh ok

Soccerfan2005: u r hott, i luv brunettes

[XoXCutieMuffin12XoX's bald head glows softly in the light of the computer monitor. He begins to slowly unbutton his shirt, his Brunette on the Internet-painted fingertips shimmering alluringly.]

XoXCutieMuffin12XoX: thx. now tell me more about that fantasy u had where the jonas brothers get miley cyrus alone at the vmas.

Sphinx Purple

2009-03-24T13:06:00.000-04:00

What is applied on four nails in the morning, two nails at noon, and three nails in the evening?

The answer, of course, is Sphinx Purple.

My first thought when I hear "Sphinx" is that big ol' fellow sitting out in Giza, which does such a good job of blending into the desert because it is sand-colored, not purple. But there are a wide variety of sphinxes in various cultural histories, and I am sure the nail polish namers have a very good reason for associating it with purple.

Now, the traditional portrayal of the Sphinx is a human head (some shade between peach and brown) on the body of a lion (golden). But in Egypt the head can sometimes also be a falcon's (brown, white, or gray), a hawk's (same), or a ram's (same plus black).

Hmm, no purple yet. Let's move onto other cultures. If we're going Greek, a sphinx can also have the wings of an eagle (black) and the tail of a serpent (green, yellow, red, brown, black, orange). And there's a Thai sphinx variant who might have the lower body of a deer (brown).

Still nothing? I could be looking at this too narrowly. Maybe we should consider the materials out of which a sphinx might be carved. They have been made out of all kinds of things, like limestone (sandy), granite (black, white, gray), and alabaster (uh...white).

That's it, I give up. There is a way to tie the concept of a sphinx to every conceivable color EXCEPT purple.

Wait! Wait, I've got it. The word sphinx comes from the Greek Σφίγξ, apparently from the verb σφίγγω (sphíngō), meaning "to strangle". (Thanks, Wikipedia!) So maybe this is the color that the Sphinx's victims turned after they failed at Elementary Riddles 101. Just what I always wanted to paint my nails.

Phallic

2009-03-19T16:08:00.000-04:00

Oh, god.

(photo taken from Vampy Varnish)

I have three questions:

1) WHAT?

2) WHY?

3) BLUE???

Skinny Dip'n in Lake Michg'n

2009-03-18T15:05:00.000-04:00

Let's start by getting this out of the way: even skinny dipping in Lake Michigan is a bad idea. It is filthy and freezing cold and shares a border with (shudder) Indiana. This is without even getting to the giant squid.

Luckily, I guess whoever wears this nail polish doesn't have to worry about any of that, because there is no possible combination of letters that can fill in these apostrophes to make them result in an intelligible phrase, let alone anything that bears a passing resemblance to "Skinny Dipping in Lake Michigan." I guess "Dip'n" could be short for "Diphenylhydantoin" (a white, slightly water-soluble powder, C15H11N2O2, used in the form of its sodium salt to prevent or arrest convulsions in epilepsy), "Dipnoan" (belonging or pertaining to the order Dipnoi, comprising the lungfishes), or "Dipthongization" (the act of changing into a diphthong). "Michg'n"? I've got nothing. Or should I say "nothin'"? Or "nothn'g"?

And while we're at it, why are there even apostrophes at all? It's not like brevity can be a big concern with this Tolstoy of a nail polish name. Are they trying to go for a rhyme here? Because I'm not a pro at pronouncing words that look like they come from an Elvish ballad, but I'm pretty sure that no matter how brutalized these words get, it does not work. I tried a few times and it started coming out "Skinny Dippin' with Prince Myshkin," an uninviting prospect but still one I would prefer to putting on this nail polish.

Let me just conclude by saying I hope whoever came up with this name dies torn into tiny shreds by a horde of rabid lexicographers.

Under 18

2009-03-16T13:35:00.000-04:00

From the manufacturers of Pearl Harbor, I bring you...an ode to statutory rape:

Really, guys? "Under 18"? This is kind of creepy. (Being the color of drying blood doesn't help. Was she beaten and left for dead before Chris Hansen got there?) Also, it doesn't seem designed to increase sales. People under eighteen are perpetually obsessed with being able to pass for over twenty-one, so they can sneak into bars and get drinks, and I don't think people over eighteen have a burning desire to be confused with jailbait.

But maybe I'm being uncharitable. Under 18 could refer to lots of other things:

--The amount of days this nail polish will remain on sale before they yank it from the shelves.

--How attractive this color is on a scale from 1 to 100.

--The number of satisfied purchasers.

--The IQ of the person who brainstormed this name.

Lost Without My GPS; What's a Tire Jack?

2009-03-10T12:25:00.001-04:00

Remember that feminist movement we had? OPI for Sephora doesn't.

These lovely shades are named Lost Without My GPS (top) and What's a Tire Jack? (bottom).

Let's just skip over another annoying instance of confusing "appropriate nail polish name" with "rhetorical question," although to be honest this still infuriates me and I would prefer a polish named "A Usually Portable Device For Raising Heavy Objects By Means of Force Applied With a Lever, Screw, or Hydraulic Press." (Actually, that would be awesome. I would kill for a set of Archimedean simple machine-themed nail polish and I think it would really sell well during this steampunk craze.)

And I think we can all recognize that these are phrases, not colors. I guess "What's a Tire Jack?" is kind of the color of a tire. This, incidentally, is the best thing that can be said about either of these names.

But most pressingly...what is going on here??? Here is how I think the sales pitch went:

"All right, let's discuss naming possibilities for our new line. I hope all of you have taken the research seriously and developed ideas that will appeal to a broad demographic of women. Smith?"

"I've been conducting focus tests and you'll never guess what broads like these days: sickening reminders of the most prevalent, offensive, and outdated stereotypes that have been used to degrade them for decades!"

"Interesting, Smith. While we discuss, Miss Johnson, could you fetch the coffee please?"

"Certainly, sir. Mr. Smith, would you help me carry it in?"

(Mr. Smith and Ms. Johnson leave the room. A dull thud is heard, followed by the sound of shattering china. A mixed stream of brown and red trickles sullenly under the door of the break room. Ms. Johnson reenters the room, adjusting her blouse.)

"Sorry, we're all out of coffee. How about some tea?"

How Cute Is That?

2009-03-08T13:53:00.000-04:00

I admit it, I kind of fell off the Stupid Nail Polish Names bandwagon. I used up all the stupidly-named nail polish that I have sitting on my dresser, the ones I have a personal sense of outrage about. I began to wonder--is my calling fulfilled?

But today my little sister dragged me to Sephora, and I realized: there are wrongs that must be righted. These outrages against humanity may not be allowed to stand, and it is my duty to fight them. With my last breath, I will decry these horrendous sins:

(photo taken from Lextard's Flickr)

You know, life can be rough. It's hard to keep your confidence up when confronted with picture after picture of airbrushed starlets, and I'm certainly not immune from insecurity. Sometimes I ask myself: Am I really smart enough? Funny enough? Pretty enough? And I'm willing to put up with a certain amount of this from my friends. "No, that dress just makes you look zaftig! Chubby at most." "I guess you do look a little like Bela Lugosi, but in a good way." "Of COURSE you'll find love! I saw a whole website where people pay every month to look at pictures of people just like you."

But here's who I'm not willing to buy the worms for on their little compliment fishing trip: my NAIL POLISH.

"How Cute Is That?" How insecure is the person who came up with this? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the answer to my question is greater than the answer to theirs. You would think that after this shade got passed by the Nail Polish Color Committee it would have some resolution about how cute it feels. I doubt that the other nail polishes take kindly to it, either. "What an attention whore," they whisper. "She's just flashing her question mark at anybody who walks by." If I am going to get a cocky nail polish, I at least want one that's upfront about it. "Cute Carnation" or "I'm Awesome Now Purchase Me" or something.

If people buy you, you're cute enough, OK? Now go take off some of that shimmer. You look like a tramp.

Pearl Harbor

2009-02-14T08:53:00.000-05:00

As my Valentine's Day present to you, here it is. The motherlode.

Remember when the Japanese navy sank virtually the entire American fleet without a declaration of war? Thousands were killed and more were wounded, before they even knew they had an enemy to face. Pain and death rained from the sky, unforeseen and undeserved. The nation was outraged; we swore the date would live in infamy. I just didn't think we would commemorate it like this.

What MONSTER would name a nail polish after this maelstrom of hate? The brand name is Sinful Colors? You're not kidding me! Who thinks that Pearl Harbor is a charming color to put on her nails? Eva Braun?

I just hope they come out with some other colors for this brand. Spring Fling is coming up and I think some sparkly September 11th would really set off my dress.

Frosted Ice Calypso

2009-02-12T19:54:00.000-05:00

I'm not angry. I'm just...confused.

No, that's a lie. I'm angry. I only got this stupid nail polish because it was the closest thing I could find in color to my favorite toenail polish, Blue For My Baby, which suddenly vanished from all drug stores the same week and I have never been able to find again. The least they could do is replace it with something with an awesome name.

But no. Now it's just me, my toes, and Frosted Ice Calypso.

I would be less angry if any ONE of these words applied to this:

Frosted? Ice? Unless somebody tripped in your snowy yard with a barrel of hazardous waste, I am pretty sure that neither of these words should apply to what is, essentially, turquoise. Ice is clear, white, or MAYBE light blue. I am being generous here. Don't push me.

So that leaves us with...calypso. Is that the Afro-Caribbean style of music originating in Trinidad and Tobago? Because I really don't think that is a color. I am looking up the flag of Trinidad and Tobago to make extra-sure they didn't slip a clever reference in here. Nope. It's black, red, and white.

So it's not that kind of calypso. Please tell me they aren't talking about the nymph who imprisoned Odysseus on her island for seven years. I admit it, I only kind of skimmed the Odyssey, but I think I would have stopped and paid more attention if it mentioned that she was a vibrant blue-green. Also, I feel like that story didn't end so well for her. Maybe I should stop using this nail polish before Zeus steps in to make my baby daddy leave me for his wife.

Raven Red

2009-02-11T00:21:00.001-05:00

You know, I totally see where they were going with the name here. Ravens are mysterious, elegant. They make me think of Poe. Xenu knows that with the vampire fad going on these days, anything with "raven" in the name should sell like gothcakes.

And I understand affirmative action. I think it's great that a well-respected cosmetics company like Revlon is willing to take a stand and provide much-needed jobs to those with disabilities.

Just one small problem:

RAVENS AREN'T RED.

Next time, assign the color-blind employees to something not requiring them to differentiate between this:

and this:

Huckle Buckle

2009-02-11T00:10:00.000-05:00

Before you scroll down, try to imagine what color Huckle Buckle is.

It could be the color of a buckle, right? Perhaps a brassy gold, or even silver.

Or it could be the color of a huckleberry. I don't know what color huckleberries are, but in my head they are deep blue. Or purple. Or black. I guess they could be red. Berry tones, right?

Nope.

This is Huckle Buckle:

Looks harmless, doesn't it? Almost genteel. How is it that this nail polish has a name that makes me want to drawl "Cletus! Is ol' Bessie ready for the milkin' yet? We need somethin' to feed them chillens besides the squirrel you shot on Old Man Rafferty's land while you were gettin' your Stars 'n' Bars ready for the Skynryd concert!"

The genesis

2009-02-10T23:50:00.000-05:00

I remember the very first stupid nail polish name that won my heart. I was a young lass in middle school with a nail polish collection bountiful enough to paint the Sistine Chapel. I collected hues of every color so I could paint my nails in ROY G BIV order. No matter what colors I chose they were inevitably topped off with enough sparkles to manufacture a disco ball.

But I had never really looked at the names. One day I idly flipped over one of my favorite bottles, a beautiful sparkly purple. My jaw dropped in awe.

SUGARPLUM FAIRY?

Did someone stay up all night watching the Nutcracker when he was paid to be brainstorming names? Did I really want my nails to have all the allure of a small girl in a puffy tutu? At least it was accurate in that I could fully believe any male executive who sanctioned this name was a fairy indeed.

I wondered if I could ever enjoy this nail polish again knowing that its name was so horrifically stupid. Then I realized, it was EVEN BETTER.