Monday, March 16, 2009

Under 18

From the manufacturers of Pearl Harbor, I bring ode to statutory rape:

Really, guys? "Under 18"? This is kind of creepy. (Being the color of drying blood doesn't help. Was she beaten and left for dead before Chris Hansen got there?) Also, it doesn't seem designed to increase sales. People under eighteen are perpetually obsessed with being able to pass for over twenty-one, so they can sneak into bars and get drinks, and I don't think people over eighteen have a burning desire to be confused with jailbait.

But maybe I'm being uncharitable. Under 18 could refer to lots of other things:

--The amount of days this nail polish will remain on sale before they yank it from the shelves.

--How attractive this color is on a scale from 1 to 100.

--The number of satisfied purchasers.

--The IQ of the person who brainstormed this name.


  1. --Approximate number of years in jail for statutory rape...

  2. I think the name is entirely appropriate for a line of "SinfulColors" nail polishes. In fact, I anxiously await what unappealing hues will be associated with "Indecent Exposure," "Malice Aforethought," "Grand Larceny," "High Treason," "Insider Trading," "Copyright Infringement," and other such attractive crime-related names.

    If this offends you I suggest you found the VirtuousColors nail polish line immediately.

  3. I like your idea, Charles, especially because Cardinal Red would be a step up in both ecclesiastical and ornithological accuracy. However, everyone knows that the only people who burnish their nails to unnatural hues for the purposes of artificially increasing their attractiveness are godless strumpets, leaving VirtuousColors without a sales base.

    Dr. No--it's not just me, right? I showed this to someone and he said "Why do you think this has to do with statutory rape?" Uh, I guess it's just always on my brain? I felt like that lecherous fifty-year-old frat boy!

  4. I fricking love this site. OMG. I'm commenting on a post from last year because I'm reading them allllll.