Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bitches Brew

SCENE I. A cavern. In the middle, a boiling nail polish bottle.


Thunder. Enter the three Bitches.

First Bitch
Thrice I've backstabbed my best friend.
Second Bitch
Thrice and once today I've whined.
Third Bitch
I am SO bored--'Tis time, 'tis time.
First Bitch
Round about the bottle go;
Add like, whatever, I don't know.
Eye of newt; some blood of ducks;
That should be good for sixteen bucks.
Looks kind of dirty, but don't panic;
Charge extra--call the brand organic.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Second Bitch
The bottle's full of our creation,
No more room for punctuation;
Forget the tired, trite, possessive,
"Bitches Brew"'s much more expressive.
We brew a lot besides just potions:
Moisturizers, perfumes, lotions.
You know it takes more than a wand
To get Three's tacky cauldron-blonde.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Third Bitch
So anyway, that lame Macbeth,
Let's bring him to an early death.
He's so not hunky, and that wife!
Your hands are clean--please get a life!
After we've got him in our thrall
We'll head out to the nearest mall.
My jeans have been untimely ripp'd,
And for Bitch One, I've got a reason:
Your black cat is SO last season.
Bitch Two, you'll never catch a thane
Til Birnam wood reach Dunsinane.

29 comments:

  1. That color does look like it has blood of ducks. Black cats are SO last season, ducks are fetch now. QUACK.
    jc

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  2. JC, I want to tell you to stop trying to make fetch happen, but I think you just did!

    P.S. I heard Ink just glued some feathers on her black cat to try to fit in, pass it on.

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  3. Glad that you're back and in such fine fettle, Pander. Keep brewing your potions!

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  4. You have a fantastic sense of humor! Keep writing, please :)

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  5. I beg to differ on this one. Bitches Brew is a Miles Davis album, which I think makes this a pretty cool name (for an insanely overpriced polish).

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    Replies
    1. Hey! Yeah! Some of the DL polishes are named after iconic songs, such as "Ray of light" (Madonna), "Bad romance", "Across the universe" (David Bowie), "Lady sings the blues" (Billie Holiday), "Let's go crazy" (Prince), "Stairway to heaven" (Led Zeppelin), etc etc!

      Sooo, that nail polish name is kinda rad!

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  6. And so LITERARY! I am so glad I am acknowledging you in my book AND THEN THINGS FALL APART!!

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  7. Tee hee hee!

    And I knew we could make fetch happen! Woohoo!

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  8. I missed you! This is hilarious! Hope all is well!

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  9. Hiliarious post!
    cupcake
    www.fashion-tarts.blogspot.com

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  10. Fetch still does not, will not, is not. Even for dear jc. Nope, no, uh-uh.

    Pander, I love the category "save some sexism for the next season of Mad Men." Brilliant and hilarious.

    Damn, this color took a lot of creative work, Pander. That's almost the whole first scene, no? Nicely done.

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  11. Just found your blog via Jezebel!
    Love this whole concept!

    I post pics of my pedicures, mainly for the designs the nail technicians do..but sometimes those polish names get to me!

    Great job!

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  12. Great Miles Davis album! Fine name for a nail polish.

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  13. Amazing! Haha, I love Macbeth, and I love the scene with the witches. Brilliant.~

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  14. You desterb me Iam six and I luk sixtg gradee phenomonon I copied thee URL
    http://juliet6.blogspot.com

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  15. *knock knock*
    *tap tap tap*
    yoo hoo? anyone home?
    Hope everything's ok there Pander.
    Herkies,
    jc

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  16. Pander? Where'd ya go? Missing you. Hope all is well.

    Hugs and herkies to you.

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  17. Ink and jc, I miss you guys too! (Did you see the question on Jeopardy a little while ago about herkies? We were so better qualified to answer it than they were.) I am perfectly fine but have been a little on the busy and stressed side regarding my employment situation (or lack thereof). But I will try to make some time to blog in the near future!

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  18. Ok. You take care of you.
    Hugs, jc

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  19. I figured Pander was just waiting for a polish that referenced either Beckett or Marlowe before she posted again.

    Hope the job sitch resolves in whatever way you want it to.

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  20. when I first saw a review of this nail polish, I wondered if the reviewer was the one who forgot the apostrophe, or if the name was actually "Bitches Brew." smh
    your blog is, to me, a magical, satirized study of nail lacquer etymology (with consistent use of proper grammar!) i LOVE it.

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  21. My boyfriend scales walls by opi is another one I seen tonight!

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