Sunday, March 8, 2009

How Cute Is That?

I admit it, I kind of fell off the Stupid Nail Polish Names bandwagon. I used up all the stupidly-named nail polish that I have sitting on my dresser, the ones I have a personal sense of outrage about. I began to wonder--is my calling fulfilled?

But today my little sister dragged me to Sephora, and I realized: there are wrongs that must be righted. These outrages against humanity may not be allowed to stand, and it is my duty to fight them. With my last breath, I will decry these horrendous sins:

(photo taken from Lextard's Flickr)

You know, life can be rough. It's hard to keep your confidence up when confronted with picture after picture of airbrushed starlets, and I'm certainly not immune from insecurity. Sometimes I ask myself: Am I really smart enough? Funny enough? Pretty enough? And I'm willing to put up with a certain amount of this from my friends. "No, that dress just makes you look zaftig! Chubby at most." "I guess you do look a little like Bela Lugosi, but in a good way." "Of COURSE you'll find love! I saw a whole website where people pay every month to look at pictures of people just like you."

But here's who I'm not willing to buy the worms for on their little compliment fishing trip: my NAIL POLISH.

"How Cute Is That?" How insecure is the person who came up with this? I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the answer to my question is greater than the answer to theirs. You would think that after this shade got passed by the Nail Polish Color Committee it would have some resolution about how cute it feels. I doubt that the other nail polishes take kindly to it, either. "What an attention whore," they whisper. "She's just flashing her question mark at anybody who walks by." If I am going to get a cocky nail polish, I at least want one that's upfront about it. "Cute Carnation" or "I'm Awesome Now Purchase Me" or something.

If people buy you, you're cute enough, OK? Now go take off some of that shimmer. You look like a tramp.


  1. HAAAAAAAA You're hilarious!!! Not just on this one singular display of your wit but in general and in life. If we weren't related and both female I'd want you to bear my child! As is, I guess I'll just settle for reading snarky nail polish commentary! Keep rocking out super-star.

  2. Clearly "How Cute is That?" is a much-needed infusion of postmodernity into the formerly unsophisticated world of nail polish nomenclature. In years past the polishers of nails had to be content merely to accept their products' manufactures' prescriptions as detailed in endless advertising claims with regard to the relative cuteness of each colour and what word best expressed its hue.

    No more. By declining to describe itself with any reference to its shade whatsoever, the polish invites --nay, demands -- that the polisher name it herself. What's more, it's name explicitly demands that the polisher make a judgement for herself on the relative cuteness of the polish.

    "How Cute is This?" plainly heralds not a age of narcissism but of the death of the author of the nail polish advertisement.