Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Sexagon

Guys, I have made it big. My dream as a blogger has finally come true: today, I received my first kick-back! Our faithful midwestern nail polish correspondent Suzanna has sent me some nail polish that is the perfect combination of beautiful in color and hideous in name. (A rose by any other name may smell as sweet, but I think we all know that tamely-named nail polish just doesn't have the same sparkle.) Thanks, Suzanna! However, I would like to assure you all that my devotion to strict journalistic integrity remains intact. I remain firmly committed to revealing and reviling the stupid names of the nail polish world (however, have I mentioned what a lovely name Suzanna is?)



Anyway, what is going on with Sexagon? I wish I could believe that this was just an unfortunate result of someone mixing up her Greek and Latin prefixes, but my time in nail polish academia has taught me cynicism. In fact, the reference is much more literary. I am pretty sure that this is actually the title of Edwin Abbott-Abbott's lesser-known and extremely pornographic sequel to Flatland.

An excerpt:

Their vertexes locked across the room. The sexagon slid boldly over the plane until he stood before the lithe young triangle. "Hey, baby," he said. "If I told you that you had a beautiful perimeter, would you hold it against me?"

The triangle blushed and looked shyly at her smallest angle.

"Come on, doll," the brazen sexagon continued, "Don't be obtuse. It doesn't suit acute one like you. You don't want to be a square, do you? I'm not going to stand here and complement you all night. Let me buy you a gin and conic."

"No, thanks," the triangle said. "What's your angle?"

"My angle? You could fill the null set with all the other guys in here who would give you the coordinates of the origin. Look, you know you're the right triangle for me. Let's go back to my place and we can give it an ol' whirl around the XXX-axis. Tangentially, it's cool if you're bisectoral, you can bring a friend."


I'd go on, but I have underage readers. Anyway, don't worry, moralists! I don't want to spoil the plot, but it all wraps up satisfactorily when the deviant sexagon does some hard time in high-security prism. The shy triangle realizes the error of hanging out in shady parts of the coordinate grid, joins the convex and becomes a nonagon.

32 comments:

  1. If you think that's bad, try the rest of the collection...there's one named "Tickle My Triangle".

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks for the tip, TAG. But can I just say...eww?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ahahaha oh god I haven't laughed that much in AGES.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why is this the color of sexagon? For some reason, I just have a different color in mind...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Thanks, Leanne! Finally math camp pays off.

    Joe, what is sexagon to you? While you're at it, tell me what this ink splotch looks like. And how do you get along with your mother?

    ReplyDelete
  6. P: First of all, congratulations for moving into the upper echelon of swag-receiving bloggers! Woohoo!

    Secondly, that was a fabulous excerpt. You're awesome.

    Henceforth, to amuse ourselves, we should insert "Sexagon" into songs whenever possible. For example, "I'm Bringin' Sexagon back" or "I Believe In Miracles...You Sexagon Thing"

    ReplyDelete
  7. Ink: Alas, I am not quite in the upper echelon yet, partially because this was mostly a birthday present and partially because have you SEEN what some of the real nail bloggers get? We are talking actual vacations here. But I have hope!

    Did you ever read "Flatterland"? It was a 3-D/4-D modern sequel and I think I remember it actually being pretty dirty!

    I love your idea. Now I have "I Believe in Miracles" stuck in my head. Maybe I can swap it for "I'm Too Sexagon For My Shirt"...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your writing is GOLD in this one! Funniest post you've ever written so far, IMO. ;D

    ReplyDelete
  9. There must be stupid Chinese nail polish names. If no one is watching, I'll try to find some for you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks, Angie! I'll cross my fingers that the trend continues.

    S., yes please! Although I suspect that my Chinese is no longer at a level allowing me to adequately make fun of them. Zhe ge...nail polish...de ming zi bu tai cong ming? Zung!

    ReplyDelete
  11. That's so nasty!! Who has a sick enough ind to name a nail polish that?!!?!?!?!?!?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ooh, I love "I'm Too Sexagon"! LMAO!

    And no on Flatterland. For reals?

    ReplyDelete
  13. I love the idea of this blog, but I am torn. I will try to be nice, you're not a terrible writer at all, but you are much more pleased with yourself and your wit than your work merits. Your style says it all, it's the same kind of off-putting vibe one gets when they listen to a comedian overstay their welcome onstage. More content, less gab. After all, you have OPI's entire arsenal to cover.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Who gives a flying f*ck? Its just nail polish... VERY pretty nail polish at that!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hey! There need be no more of that, Anonymous. Please feel free to go read something else instead. The rest of us will continue to enjoy Pander's blogaliciousness.

    ReplyDelete
  16. OMG i never laughed so hard reading a nail blog...i remember having to read that dreadful flatland novel and the sequel for my middle school geometry class, so this brought me back!!awesome post.

    ReplyDelete
  17. OMG yes yes yes, this is pure awesome. I'm dying over here!

    And I loved Flatland. Hahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Pander...it's been a month. We need more funnies, pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease. xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  19. Ok, totally weird: I couldn't see the new one you posted until I whinged (above). Maybe my browser is misbehaving. Naughty browser.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Ink--That's because your gentle reminder (whinging, never!) made me think "Shoot, a month? I better get on that!" and I wrote one that night. Consider yourself my muse.

    Gerryberry--I have to admit that I read Flatland (and Sphereland, and Flatterland) voluntarily, but I am happy that I could redeem your suffering! I hope your middle school flashbacks are filled with less acne and social awkwardness than mine.

    Scrangie--thanks! I am glad I found a fellow nerdy nail polish blogger!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Goodness that is the best thing I've read in weeks! And they said no one could make geometry sexy. Well done!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I love it! Very creative!That's actually really cool.
    謝謝你的文章分享,請你有空到我

    參觀,Thanks

    ReplyDelete
  23. One word about this post: genius!

    ReplyDelete
  24. You are hilarious and clever as hell!

    ReplyDelete
  25. Wow! Someone out there knows Flatland! And what a fucking hilarious post.

    ReplyDelete
  26. This was pure gold!! I wish I'd found your blog sooner. xo

    ReplyDelete
  27. Ooh ha ha ha ha! This is possibly your most clever post yet. Or maybe I'm just a big math dork. Now pardon me while I go track down a copy of 'The Dot and the Line: A Romance in Lower Mathematics' by Norton Juster . . .

    ReplyDelete
  28. Justine, I LOVE that book! I used to be able to recite the whole thing in American Sign Language. Norton Juster is a genius.

    ReplyDelete
  29. ::facepalm:: lol

    ReplyDelete
  30. Anonymous, you may be the most outwardly beautiful person on the planet but I guarantee, if your parents named you Missy Prissy Stinkflower Twinklebutt, we will laugh at you no matter how VERY pretty you may (or may not) be.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hahaha! You are too intelligent and too funny. This is absolutely hilarious.

    ReplyDelete