Saturday, January 23, 2010

Friar, Friar, Pants on Fire!

Blasphemy! Accusing a man of God of deception? I had no idea that OPI was so iconoclastic. Maybe this is the color that Richard Dawkins wears on dates?

I admit that I kind of like the idea of an extremely bitter atheist in a room somewhere in OPI headquarters taking her revenge, one nail polish name at a time. And I look forward to the rest of OPI's anti-Christianity-themed line, which I hear will include Fertility Goddess Fuschia, Ubermensch Ultramarine, and Go Screw Yourself Billy Graham You Deranged Nutjob Blue.

However, I have to question the accuracy of this particular polish name. Do friars even wear pants? I mean, I'm sure they do now, but the traditional image is a cassock or something, isn't it? I admit that "Friar, Friar, Vestments on Fire!" doesn't quite have the same ring to it. However, it seems pretty clear that OPI already gets their nail polish names by ripping off playground rhymes and then substituting words with whatever nouns their darts happened to hit in a rhyming dictionary, so eloquence is pretty much out the window at this point. We might as well strive for whatever semblance of coherence we can still scrape together, OK guys?

I'm also not sure why this name is part of OPI's "English Collection" ("shades designed to capture the vibrancy of London, while simultaneously offering the softness of a heathered English countryside!"). What about friars (or flaming pants) is uniquely English? Let's just take a quick rundown of where the major mendicant orders were founded: Dominicans? France. Carmelites? Israel. Franciscans, Servites, and Augustinians? Probably all Italy. Even the word "friar" itself comes from the French "frère" (meaning brother). Basically, OPI has picked one of the few major medieval powers that did NOT originate any large sect of friars.

Here's what I'm guessing: OPI got all it knows about friars from the same place I did--Robin Hood. This would explain the alleged Englishness of the name. However, let me point out that 1) though Tuck wasn't the meekest of friars, I don't think he ever actually lied to anyone, making this name STILL nonsensical, 2) this totally clashes with Sherwood green, 3) this shade would be much better suited to Will Scarlet, and 4) I don't remember any part of the Robin Hood stories where Friar Tuck goes through Maid Marian's makeup bag.

Whatever way I slice it with my longsword, this name does NOT make me merry.


  1. LMAO. You hath outdone thyself this time, milady...

    Might I interest thee in any of our other Ye Olde Fakey Englishe products?

  2. Perhaps I should have clarified: LMAO = Laugheth Myne Asseth Offeth.

    (word ver: "phads" or what fashions were called in ye olde land)

  3. Sheesh, OPI, has any member of your staff ever been to England? Any knowledge they do have seems to be derived from a brief viewing of Mary Poppins in which Dick Van Dyke (as fond of him as I am) is notable for his execrable Mockney accent and realism is as foreign a concept as snow to the Sahara.
    English collection? London vibrant? I can substitute a number of different adjectives - dirty, crowded, squalid - which are far more accurate. As for the heathered English countryside? I rather think that's Scotland! Having lived in rural England for most of my life I must say that, although heather is not unknown in some gardens and on some heathland, one can go for decades together without ever seeing the stuff. It is most definitely not a plant much associated with the rural scene.
    I love your blog!

  4. LMAO, classic.

    By the way, I love your blog. You're hilarious.

  5. Ink, you made me laugh so hard! Who's got the over/under on whether the person who named the English collection was wearing one of those pointy princess hats and an "authentic" corset from Hot Topic instead of a shirt?

    Jaljen, you tell 'em! Thanks for your across-the-pond perspective; OPI should hire you as their English Consultant.

    Dailyvarnish, thanks so much!

  6. This is the funniest freaking post I've read all month. "Vestments on Fire?" Almost wet myself.

    In Catholic school we were not allowed to wear red shoes (devilment) or patent leather shoes (reflections of heavenly thighs), this color, on the toenails of someone in the confessional enflames the Friar enough that he throws his vows to the wind and....well, the rest is too distubing to articulate.
    All I hear when I see the name Friar Friar Pants on Fire is Fiona in Pretty in Pink saying, "Talk about lips...when the Duck laid that kiss on me, I swear, my thighs went up in flames."
    Not English. And not Friar-like. But I love this color, despite its name.

  7. ROFL!! This post was hilarious and your blog is rockin. "And I look forward to the rest of OPI's anti-Christianity-themed line, which I hear will include Fertility Goddess Fuschia, Ubermensch Ultramarine, and Go Screw Yourself Billy Graham You Deranged Nutjob Blue." Quote of the century! Just found you on naptimewriting. Plans to stalk your blog religiously. Or heretically. Or ... whatever. Thanks for the great laugh!

  8. NTW, oh goodness! Have you ever considered a career as a Harlequin romance writer? I promise to order a copy of "The Friar's Forbidden Burning Thighs" as soon as it comes out.

    OMwCW--thanks so much! Welcome and glad to have you reading!

  9. "Authentic" corsets from Hot Topic = FAIL!

  10. are you implying atheists are bitter by default? hope not.

  11. Anon., why do you think I might be implying that? If I thought all atheists were bitter, it would have been kind of redundant for me to specify an "extremely bitter atheist," don't you think? All I was implying is that if there were an atheist who spent her life coming up with anti-religious nail polish names, she would probably be pretty bitter.

  12. Wouldn't an appropriate friar color be a bit more drab, like a beige or a grey?

    Unless OPI was referencing this guy ( when they titled the polish.

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  15. Blackfriars is an area of London that was destroyed in the Great Fire. The name fits in a strange, barely-sorta way.