Friday, June 11, 2010

Lemonade Stand By Your Man

Honey, let me give you a little advice. If you are having issues with your man, you might want to consider whether they spring from the fact that you appear to be the owner and operator of a lemonade stand, a time-honored profession practiced primarily by eight-year-olds. Statistically speaking, this means that your man is probably either a pre-teen or a pedophile. Either way, we're not really talking about a class of men noted for their deep emotional constancy, am I right? While I don't want to impugn your true and enduring love, I'm just saying that the next time your man reaches into his wallet to leave a quarter on your nightstand, you might want to take a peek at his driver's license and see if his name is Humbert Humbert.


Furthermore, while "Before and After" may be my favorite category on Wheel of Fortune, this does not make it an appropriate nail polish naming mechanism. (To any OPI namers who insist that before-and-after with Every Word Capitalized is a viable human method of communication, let me riposte by saying that Your Momma Is So Fat That The Probability She Occupies A Randomly-Selected Point Within A Room Is One Day I Am Going To Learn How To Send My Fist Through The Internet And Punch You In The Face.)

Actually, I greatly prefer this name when taken literally, i.e., Lemonade Stand in Close Geographical Proximity to Your Man. This take on it raises all sorts of interesting questions. I mean, there are not a lot of lemonade stands, so it's pretty unlikely that your man just happens to be near one. Did you seduce your man based solely on his convenient distance from the nearest lemonade-serving establishment? The fact that you named your nail polish after the lemonade stand rather than your fellow leads me to believe this may be your general order of priorities. It's OK to be honest, I love lemonade too. Also, what if your man doesn't remain stationary all day? If your lemonade stand stays put while he moves around, your nail polish would be unacceptably out of vogue. I think the only solution is a lemonade version of that Japanese vending-machine skirt. Manufacturers, call me. We can split the profits fifty-fifty.

20 comments:

  1. Gotta love the Lolita reference! Kudos!

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  2. Thanks, Ink! I was talking to someone recently and she mentioned that she actually knew a girl named "Lolita." I mean...really? What kind of sadistic parents does that take? Maybe they were going with the Opposite Theory of Naming (e.g. if you name your child Prudence she will get into endless trouble and if you name her Chastity she will become a succubus).

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  3. "if you name her Chastity she will become a succubus" = me spewing coffee onto the keyboards. LMAO!

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  4. I remember when this polish came out. For some reason it made me think of the song, "Stand By Your Man" by Tammy Wynette. Unfortunately, Tammy Wynette's man, George Jones, was more fond of alcohol than lemonade.

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  5. Still giggling over this post. And I love the link to the Japanese vending-machine skirt--some people come up with the craziest ideas!

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  6. See, I thought the name was funny (a la Lyle Lovett) until I saw the color. Now I think it means "how terrible your lemonade stand would love if you put your man in charge." Maybe he painted it with urine, or pours tall glsses of dehydrated urine, but that color is not indicative of a man-made lemonade stand selling anything I'd buy.
    (Prudence is a great name only for Edward Gorey fans. Lolita for absolutely nobody.)

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  7. would look. look. not love. stupid one-handed typing.

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  8. This made me crack up. Good job. I agree this color does look like piss.

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  9. this is such a good idea for a blog and you are so funny!

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  10. Uh are those crystal testicles around the neck of the bottle?

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  11. Ah, love the Wheel of Fortune Before + After reference...I thought the same thing. Who the hell does OPI's writing?

    http://seejaneworkplaylive.blogspot.com

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  12. I so totally love your blog! It´s fresh and funny.
    I put a link to your blog on my own:
    http://mrs-bright-side.blogspot.com/

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  13. I love this blog! Going to list it on mine as a must visit!

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  14. Panderbear, I have just recently discovered your absolutely comically genius blog, as I have recently began my first blog, likewise. Through my recent two-day discovery of your valuable blog, I have come to find that OPI is in serious need of professional pun creators. I look forward to your future posts. Thanks for the many laughs!

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  15. that name is almost as bad as another opi called a good man-drin is hard to find

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  16. Wow, I just found your blog and you are freaking hilarious :D Hahahaha, I couldn't stop laughing reading some of the posts :))))
    xx

    Sabina

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  17. Pander...where are you? Miss you! Get back here!

    I just had a pedicure and read a whole bunch of names on the bottles and kept wondering what you would have done with 'em...your blog has infiltrated my brain, clearly. And I'm quite happy about that, actually. ;)

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  18. Now I have all the songs from Urinetown: The Musical stuck in my head.

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  19. hahah, so funny. Probably a more appropriate name for this should be "Stand by your baby's poo" as it is that same mustardy color (and I know this is gross so sorry for that but that was my first impression when I saw it)

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