Monday, July 5, 2010

Deer Valley Spice

Here is a list of things that should be named "Deer Valley Spice":

1) A scented candle used in a hunting lodge
2) The mildly scandalous gossip column on the back page of a Massachusetts preparatory school newspaper
3) The cologne dabbed behind the ear of an ever-so-smooth 46-year-old gentleman as he prepares to head out to the local bar with all the temptingly tipsy co-eds
4) An exotic blend of seven different kinds of pepper that you buy at Williams Sonoma because it's only $8.95 and you just know it will give your arugula salad that little extra something, but no matter how hard you strain your taste buds, it just tastes like regular pepper, and then you realize that you don't even like arugula
5) The racy series of novels that results when the Sweet Valley twins grow up to find that the Unicorn Club has developed into a prostitution ring...but can Elizabeth's journalistic skills save the day?

(suggested by Gillian)

This nail polish, however, is none of these things. Nor is it remotely near the color of a deer, a valley, or any spice found in nature. In fact, the only image that comes into my head when I try to associate this shade with deer-filled valleys is of a woman with avaricious pink claws stroking the pelt of Bambi's mother, trying to decide whether she will have it made into a coat or a stole. I guess this is, after all, somewhat fitting. When it comes to both Bambi and names like this, the real enemy is Man.


  1. LMAO at the list! Those are indeed things that could carry the title.

    To answer your q: I got Feelin' Hot Hot Hot. Unfortunately, every time I look at my toes, I hear Buster Poindexter's 80s tune (by the by, wasn't his name before that David Johanssen, or am I creating an gossip myth right now?).

  2. Wait, there's a Unicorn Club!!?!?!? I WANNA JOIN!!! I'm a UNICORN, I SWEAR!

    New polish name: Open Season.
    Alternate: Buckshot.

    I can't believe Inkster whipped out Buster. Ink, you're creating a nightmare. It starts now, with a congo line at a horrible wedding reception. ugh. Not feeling hot hot hot. Yes, that's the dude's name.

  3. To answer Ink's question: Yes, Buster Poindexter is really David Johanssen of New York Dolls Fame.
    I love the Sweet Valley Twins reference you worked in there. I used to read those books all the time when I was a kid. Those, and the Babysitters' Club.

  4. Skulda, thanks!

    Ink, now you have it stuck in my head! Also, I just looked up Feelin' Hot Hot Hot, and it's not even red!? Come on, OPI, it's really not that hard!

    JC, of course you're invited to the Unicorn Club! I assume Ink's Youngest has many fun club activities planned for us.

    Deb, I think I only ever one Sweet Valley book, but it scared me senseless! Some evil Sweet Valley twin lookalike was planning to kill one of them (Jessica?) and take over her fabulous life and family. I forget how the dastardly wench was defeated, but I know it was just in the nick of time, possibly right before the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. Subtlety all around!

  5. I'm so glad I found your site! It seriously cracks me and my friends up. It's seriously hysterical! Love it.

  6. Ha ha! Sorry, all, that you are now stuck (along with me) in Buster Poindexter limbo/conga land.

    Pander, they had another color there that was like "Nice color, eh?" or something. I mean, talk about giving up. I should have gotten that one just to say I got it...

    And if JC gets to join the Unicorn Club, so do I!!!!

  7. And Pander's right...Youngest is already like The Great Grand Wizard Master of Unicorn Club, so I'm sure he can squeeze us all in.

    First item of business? Finding a unicorn logo that doesn't look like a hot girlie mess. (I'm not kidding...the unicorn I bought him was the most minimally decorated one I could find, and even it had pink and purple flowers on it.)

  8. Bahahaha ha ha. I got the poor man's Elk Lodge vibe from the name, and the secret ingredient in Hidden Valley Ranch dressing---a spice blend of ground ticks and pine needles.

    And now I'm off to write up Ink's True Life Stories of 80s One-Hit Wonders for my school's gossip column, Deer Valley Spice.

  9. Deer Valley Cull? More appropriate? A less tenuous link to the colour in the bottle?

    Er, you left a comment on my blog and I'm inviting you to email me on so I can send you some polishes.


  10. I splash on a little "Deer Valley Spice" everytime I hit the bars (and by splash I mean douse myself in the shit)- and it drives the ladies crazy!

  11. Haha at the cologne one and Dr. No. Oh, wait I guess I don't have anything useful to add to this post.

  12. Oh, and by ladies I mean the cops that usually bring me home.

  13. Elizabeth, thank you! I hope you (and your friends) continue to visit.

    Ink, tell Youngest I am ready for some rousing pin-the-horn-on-the-unicorn, but there better be cupcakes available afterward. Also, unicorns are totally tough and macho; there should be some non-girly ones out there somewhere. Not that I want to gender stereotype them, I'm sure boy unicorns can like purple and pink flowers, too.

    Nap, you're right! How did I miss the Hidden Valley connection? Also, I think you got scooped--Ink's Deep Throat reveal of Buster Poindexter was on all the Peoples at my drugstore this morning.

    Jen, I hesitate to say that adding "cull" to any beauty product makes it MORE appropriate...then again, at this level, we're really just picking our poison. I'll send you an e-mail (probably right after I post this comment) and I'll see if I can dig up a polish or two for you.

    Arrianne, always happy to see you commenting, substance or no. Just think of yourself as the groupie!

    Dr. No, so that's why the squad car smelled like charred patchouli! I thought it was hippie arson residue still on my jacket from Saturday night.

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  15. When I read this color's name it made me think of a special limited edition of Old Spice for hunters. I can just see the commercial now with Isaiah Mustafa saying:Ladies, are you tired of your hunting man coming home smelling of decomposed leaves and deer urine? Of course you are. Though your man can't look like me, he CAN smell like me, by using the limited edition Deer Valley Spice body wash. Do you like the smell of adventure? Do you want your man to smell like he killed a 20 point buck and baked you a cake all in the same day? Do you want him to smell like the candor of nature without smelling LIKE nature? Well, of course you do! Swan dive! So ladies, is your man a Deer Valley Spice man?

    And Ink, your color you mentioned - "Nice Color, Eh?" - is that part of OPI's Canadian edition? haha.

  16. Wow, I looked up that nail polish color Ink mentioned, and OPI really does have a Canadian Collection. Sad day...

  17. I just found your blog recently, and I'm so delighted that I did! Your posts absolutely kill me. I even read them aloud to my boyfriend and they send him into fits of maniacal giggling. Thanks!

  18. "The racy series of novels that results when the Sweet Valley twins grow up to find that the Unicorn Club has developed into a prostitution ring...but can Elizabeth's journalistic skills save the day?"

    So true.

  19. breanna, Old Spice should be calling you asap. I could HEAR that commercial.

  20. Why thank you Sandi! I'm glad you enjoyed it. haha :)

  21. Is this supposed to mean Deer Valley as in the ski resort in Utah? That would make more sense.