Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Cool As

Do you American folks ever wonder if it is just our overheated advertising industry that is responsible for nail polish monstrosities? Finally, I have evidence of a foreign crime worth extraditing (graciously submitted by fabulous Aussie reader Jade).


(photo by Jade)

Cool As? Cool As What? I don't know if I can handle the suspense! A refreshing mountain spring? The von Trapp child Maria forgot about and left in the Alps? That gum I keep seeing commercials for where everything suddenly becomes an ice cavern and for some reason you can then talk to women with ease? Damn it, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a thermometer!*

What we really need here is some scientific rigor. (Or with this polish, rigour?)



Dear John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation: I am willing to devote my career to placing this nail polish at its appropriate point on the Coolness Scale. Send grant money and research assistants, stat.

*Not actually a doctor.

39 comments:

  1. Haha, fantastic post! The graph is amazing. I think I must point out that this term is occasionally used by select Aussies as slang, i.e "That concert was cool as". Cool can be interchanged with words like "wicked", "awesome" etc. We're so weird, I know ;)

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  2. By the by, I posted about you: http://thejadecarver.blogspot.com/2010/08/blog-brag-1.html you totally don't need it, but you're so funny I had to share :P

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  3. uhhh, it's cool as because it's a green shade---like cool as a cucumber. so in a sense, not such an awful name.

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  4. While the whole post is witty as usual, the graph is off-the-charts cool as. I'm still laughing at some of your points. Too, too ingenious.

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  5. your whole blog is so funny!!! and it all is so true!

    wow i love this!!

    i really really enjoy your blog, maybe you can follow mine too

    http://nailjunkie100.blogspot.com

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  6. Jade--thanks for the clarification--although it really just shifts my question to what is going on with Australian linguistics as a whole! Also, your blog post is beyond sweet! You are cool as in my book.

    J.Fonte--I admit that this name isn't as terrible as it could be. Still, that polish doesn't strike me as cucumber-colored, I think they may have been going for more of a generic "cool" minty tone thing.

    Tamara--Thanks! I assume you will want to affix a copy to the inside of all your textbooks for constant reference.

    Nail Junkie--Thank you. I took a look at your blog--interesting poll, of course I had to vote for the most tacky option!

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  7. Laughed several times at the graph, but putting "ice cold" off the chart is seriously in your top ten of funnies. What's cooler than cool? Ice cold, Pander. And you. And Icelandic hipsters, it would seem.
    Also? Seriously? Fire ants *way* higher up the Y axis than cucumbers. Are your axes logorhythmic? And why you hating on Vanilla Coke? Concept or execution? It's less cool than Vanilla Ice? Come on. Show a balding, middle age, mom-jeans beverage a little more love than that, Pander. "In my day, the soda jerk offered Cokes from the fountain in four flavors in case you didn't want an egg cream."

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  8. Wow, this chart is amazing! aha. And that nail polish is just about as cool as its name...

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  9. Nap--I'm glad somebody appreciated my "ice cold" masterstroke. Mea culpa re: fireants v. cucumbers. I was just going on "cool as a cucumber" reflex, but now that I consider it, cucumbers are really just not that cool! However, while I am dismayed to be the bearer of bad news, it is my solemn duty to inform you that Vanilla Coke is so, so, out. Although if it is any consolation, 1) it might be so uncool that it is "ironically" cool again, 2) I have a strange Vanilla Ice fascination, so don't trust their relative position, and 3) there has never been a point in my life when I did not want an egg cream. Actually, I may go to the grocery store for some chocolate syrup and soda water right now.

    Breanna--Thanks! I notice that you haven't taken a stand on how cool the nail polish and the name are...can I get some coordinates, for science?

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  10. Well, Panda, I feel that this nail polish and its name deserves its own little area called "the bottom left corner of isolation".

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  11. Oh my gosh, I think you've outdone yourself. LOVE the chart. And you are definitely Cool As.

    Vanilla Ice should be higher, methinks, though. Because he IS Ice Ice, Baby. And, back in the day, was, paradoxically, HOT.

    Btw, yesterday I was channel surfing and saw Ellen DeGeneres standing on the stage making fun of three OPI polish names. And I was all HEY, THAT'S PANDER'S GIG!

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  12. The chart is cool as shit. and beans. and a cucumber. but not together.
    If there's a problem, YO, you'll solve it! Word to your mother.
    jc

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  13. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=129187210 In case you hadn't seen this yet, I thought of your blog when I saw it,
    Cheers,
    Grace

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  14. Ink--How dare Ellen step onto my turf? Just tell me I did it better! (Lying encouraged.)

    JC--Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it!

    Grace--Thanks for the link! I hadn't seen that story--very interesting. I only wish I got free "hauls" from nail polish companies, but unfortunately, I think it's hard to convince people to pay me to make fun of them!

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  15. hey! Nice blog you got there
    I'm a follower now :)

    Maybe you can check out mine as well and become a follower?
    http://tesjoesblog.blogspot.com

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  16. Cool as?! Hilarious, Maybe its left blank so the wearer can add their own ending? LMAO!

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  17. You are a GENIUS. That graph made me spit my drink all over my screen, but I forgive you. <3

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  18. The graph is total awesomeness.

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  19. Of COURSE you do it better! You are the bestest!

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  20. Why not pay you? Someone pays that old harridan Joan Rivers for making fun of things that mostly don't deserve scorn from the likes of her. You on the other hand pick very deserving targets AND are hysterically funny (which Joan is not).

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  21. Jackie S.: what an interesting idea!

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  22. Word up Pander!
    jc

    http://failblog.org/2010/09/08/epic-fail-photos-color-name-fail/

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  23. I thought Reyjkavik (sp?) hipsters was particularly awesome. Great graph overall, too.

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  24. I can't e-mail you, and I dunno if this is already on the site, but Sinful Colors has a nail polish called Pearl Harbor... hah. If you wanna post it.

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  25. This is my first time on your site, and I have to say I actually was laughing outloud in my house at 12 am... alone. You are hilarious--- and I am now a follower! 5 bazillion stars

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  26. Hope you'll return to amuse us as soon as possible, I always loved your posts!

    (and my word verification was "dressini", haha)

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  27. Your blog is freakin awesome!!
    i'm following
    cupcake
    www.fashion-tarts.blogspot.com

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  28. Allrighty, friend, where are you? Haven't had a hearty chuckle about nail polish names for two months now...sigh.

    (((Pander))) Hope you're ok -- miss you.

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  29. Pander, whazzzzzzuppppp?

    Inkers is the inspiration for new nail polish name. Dragon Breath. You put it on when the kids tell you to stop breathing so they can sleep at 2am in your bed.

    I'll share my glittery nail tattoos with you, please come back. jc

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  30. I miss you guys too!

    I have just been overwhelmed with Real Life Things for a bit and felt guilty when I considered setting time aside for blogging, but I agree that it is time for my nail polish hiatus to be over. My public needs me! And I need JC's glittery nail tattoos. I will start working on an entry post-haste, please hassle me if I don't post anything soon.

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  31. YAY!! You'll love the tattoos, they are dolphins! I have to find a deep ocean blue nail color.

    *Herky*
    jc

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  32. "Genly Ai"???! Will you marry me?

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  33. Seeing as it's green, I kind of thought of it as "cool as a cucumber"

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  34. haha you made me laugh out loud! I suppose if you wear this you will pretty much feel as cool as just about anything, I want to buy some!

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  35. Genly Ai? Really? You incorporated a Left Hand of Darkness reference? AMAZING.

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  36. I'm way to the top left on that graph!

    Reykjavik hipster representing!

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  37. This is an example of local colloquialism; since the brand is based in Australia (I think) they use local lingo to name their stuff sometimes. And 'Cool As' is part of it. Used like this: "That's a cool as jacket." Or "Cool as, bro." I think.

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