Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bitches Brew

SCENE I. A cavern. In the middle, a boiling nail polish bottle.


Thunder. Enter the three Bitches.

First Bitch
Thrice I've backstabbed my best friend.
Second Bitch
Thrice and once today I've whined.
Third Bitch
I am SO bored--'Tis time, 'tis time.
First Bitch
Round about the bottle go;
Add like, whatever, I don't know.
Eye of newt; some blood of ducks;
That should be good for sixteen bucks.
Looks kind of dirty, but don't panic;
Charge extra--call the brand organic.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Second Bitch
The bottle's full of our creation,
No more room for punctuation;
Forget the tired, trite, possessive,
"Bitches Brew"'s much more expressive.
We brew a lot besides just potions:
Moisturizers, perfumes, lotions.
You know it takes more than a wand
To get Three's tacky cauldron-blonde.
ALL
Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Third Bitch
So anyway, that lame Macbeth,
Let's bring him to an early death.
He's so not hunky, and that wife!
Your hands are clean--please get a life!
After we've got him in our thrall
We'll head out to the nearest mall.
My jeans have been untimely ripp'd,
And for Bitch One, I've got a reason:
Your black cat is SO last season.
Bitch Two, you'll never catch a thane
Til Birnam wood reach Dunsinane.

27 comments:

  1. That color does look like it has blood of ducks. Black cats are SO last season, ducks are fetch now. QUACK.
    jc

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  2. JC, I want to tell you to stop trying to make fetch happen, but I think you just did!

    P.S. I heard Ink just glued some feathers on her black cat to try to fit in, pass it on.

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  3. Glad that you're back and in such fine fettle, Pander. Keep brewing your potions!

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  4. You have a fantastic sense of humor! Keep writing, please :)

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  5. I beg to differ on this one. Bitches Brew is a Miles Davis album, which I think makes this a pretty cool name (for an insanely overpriced polish).

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  6. And so LITERARY! I am so glad I am acknowledging you in my book AND THEN THINGS FALL APART!!

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  7. Tee hee hee!

    And I knew we could make fetch happen! Woohoo!

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  8. I missed you! This is hilarious! Hope all is well!

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  9. Hiliarious post!
    cupcake
    www.fashion-tarts.blogspot.com

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  10. Fetch still does not, will not, is not. Even for dear jc. Nope, no, uh-uh.

    Pander, I love the category "save some sexism for the next season of Mad Men." Brilliant and hilarious.

    Damn, this color took a lot of creative work, Pander. That's almost the whole first scene, no? Nicely done.

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  11. Just found your blog via Jezebel!
    Love this whole concept!

    I post pics of my pedicures, mainly for the designs the nail technicians do..but sometimes those polish names get to me!

    Great job!

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  12. Great Miles Davis album! Fine name for a nail polish.

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  13. This makes me laugh, given that joyous AP English 12 has forced me into reading every Shakespearean work known to English teacher and Macbeth being the second most-hated on my list.

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  14. Amazing! Haha, I love Macbeth, and I love the scene with the witches. Brilliant.~

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  15. You desterb me Iam six and I luk sixtg gradee phenomonon I copied thee URL
    http://juliet6.blogspot.com

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  16. *knock knock*
    *tap tap tap*
    yoo hoo? anyone home?
    Hope everything's ok there Pander.
    Herkies,
    jc

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  17. Pander? Where'd ya go? Missing you. Hope all is well.

    Hugs and herkies to you.

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  18. Ink and jc, I miss you guys too! (Did you see the question on Jeopardy a little while ago about herkies? We were so better qualified to answer it than they were.) I am perfectly fine but have been a little on the busy and stressed side regarding my employment situation (or lack thereof). But I will try to make some time to blog in the near future!

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  19. Ok. You take care of you.
    Hugs, jc

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  20. I figured Pander was just waiting for a polish that referenced either Beckett or Marlowe before she posted again.

    Hope the job sitch resolves in whatever way you want it to.

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  21. when I first saw a review of this nail polish, I wondered if the reviewer was the one who forgot the apostrophe, or if the name was actually "Bitches Brew." smh
    your blog is, to me, a magical, satirized study of nail lacquer etymology (with consistent use of proper grammar!) i LOVE it.

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