Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Mutt's New

Dear Mrs. Atkinson,

Here is my essay on "A Day in the Life of Your Pet" like you assigned. I am really sorry it is late but when I was looking for Tinkerbell to do my research I found her floating upside down in the hot tub and my mom said she was just sun tanning but then I heard her talking to the vet and he said she had "lost the will to live" or something.

P.S. Is it OK if I don't go to Six Flags for Physics Day this Friday? Rollercoasters and physics both kind of make me nauseous and I think if I combine them I might end up ruining my new outfit in front of everybody.

A Day in the Life of TINKERBELL, the BEST Chihuahua EVER!

YAWN. Just another morning waking up in my big pink bed! I love it because it is shaped like a castle and it makes me feel like a real princess. Now it's time to take a walk! My owner is too busy to go walk and also she is scared of maybe breaking a heel but that's OK because I get to see Manuelo, my extra-special friend, who was hired just to take care of me! Hi Manuelo! You smell extra good today. Did you know smell is my strongest sense and I can smell way better than a human? For instance, I can tell you are in a sad mood because you smell like cheap whiskey! Did my owner threaten to report you to ICE again because she thought you stole my diamond tiara? I really miss it, diamonds are a girl's best friend!

Time to go see what my owner is doing! Wow, she looks really happy to see me. She's running right over! What's that she has in her hand?

(spotting credit to Gustav Berg)

It looks like the little bottle I saw Manuelo taking from owner's daddy's Happy Cabinet but it doesn't smell the same. It smells really strong though, I wonder what's inside? No, it's too strong, don't put it so close to me!

What are you doing? You're putting it on me? Stop telling me how beautiful I'm going to look, these are fierce talons! Let me go, Manuelo, don't let her do this to me!

You keep saying that my nails are going to look so pretty, but are you are aware that dogs are basically friggin' colorblind? It is THEORETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for me to appreciate this.

Why are you doing this to me? I'm sorry I peed on your couch! I'm sorry! Just let me go.

Life is agony.


  1. This is hysterically funny--you are the best! You've got to admit, not a bad shade, though I'm not trying it on my pooch...

  2. Hahahaha, I haven't laughed this much in ages. Thanks for the uplift ;D

  3. Oh, tee hee! (Holding my stitches and trying not to laugh.) Poor Tinkerbell!

  4. Haha, awesome. I hate hate hate nail polish for puppies!

  5. My dog wants you to know that she finds that shade tres barktastique.

    Even though it looks like every other shade to her.

    She just wanted to weigh in, basically. As you can imagine, she doesn't get to talk fashion very often.

  6. Anon., don't let the color soften your heart to this travesty. Two legs good, four legs bad.

    Freeze, thanks! Hope you are staying uplifted!

    Faith, I know! Don't dogs go through enough trauma to keep up with our crazy beauty standards of not being completely covered in ticks and mud? This just seems cruel, especially to not even let your pet be on trend with a nice taupe or matte polish.

    Ink, your dog sounds like a real fashionista to me. I wouldn't confine her to just Mutt's New--consider investing in the whole line. Maybe she's a Yuppy Puppy kind of girl? Fire Hydrant Red? Dog House Blues? Why is that the OPI names for dogs make more sense than the ones for humans? It's like they can only get one thing right at a time, species or title.

  7. Yuppy Puppy? Awesome.

    Do you have another blog somewhere in which you write about other things? Because I want to read it, too.

  8. I wish I had the blogging fortitude to write about more than nail polish! Unfortunately, my real life is super boring and I do not want to tarnish my mysteriously seductive image (everyone else imagines me looking like Carmen Sandiego online, too, right?).